Christmas Eve and no presents to wrap

Today is so hard. I am alone emotionally and physically. James has to work the night shift again tonight, so I sit here and cry..again.Today I was supposed to be wrapping tiny gifts to put under the tree, then take into the NICU with me. Maybe Hazel would get a tiny little stuffed elephant, and Willow would get a tiny little stuffed monkey. I would sit them on their isolettes and sing them to sleep. The night nurse would come in and feel sorry for me and let me change their diapers and give them their baths. But instead I sit here and cry. Wondering what in the hell I did to deserve this life. Then I get even more mad when I realize this wasn’t even supposed to be their first Christmas, my due date wasn’t even until March 13th.

Everywhere I look on facebook, I get prayers, hugs, and condolences from all those with smiling kids in their profile pictures, or posts of their kids with Santa. I feel sick every time they keep me in their thoughts.

Last night for a couple of hours I felt better when I finished the living room wall. My girls were my life, and now I feel it is all over. I don’t know where to go, or what to do from here. I feel like everything I do from here is for nothing. I failed failed my girls. If they were placed in someone else’s womb, they would still be kicking. If James had married someone else he would be a father by now, holding up his kids and spoiling them. Why do I tarnish and kill everything I touch in life?

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4 thoughts on “Christmas Eve and no presents to wrap

  1. I agree with you about feeling like your body has failed. I was very lucky but still keep blaming myself for putting him through everything, being in the NICU, having to be poked and prodded, his eye appointments where they put a wire behind his eyeball and move it, his monthly shot of synagis and now he’s having difficulties eating because I couldn’t carry him long enough for him to learn to do that in the womb. I blame myself everyday for everything he has to go through. I don’t know if it gets easier but I hope it does.

  2. Pingback: Blogging After a Loss | mommyoftwinangels

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