Morals and Fragile Sanity

I know it has only been a week since we lost Hazel and two weeks since we lost Willow, but I don’t think I will ever get over this or feel better. I put everything of my girls into a trunk. It hit me, their whole lives fit into a single black trunk and it was all my fault. My body failed them. Was this a sign that I was never meant to have children. Were they being punished because I was so greedy as to want children?

I wanted to throw the crib and all the baby clothes away, but James wouldn’t let me. He is so much stronger than me. He definitely knows that this is not the end, and is confident we will be parents one day. We still have eggs frozen, but would it be fair of me to try this again? What if it worked and I got pregnant again? It is a high chance that I will pPROM again (rupture) and deliver early. Is is fair of me to keep killing these babies just because I want to be a mother, because I want to hold a child in my arms that is ours. That looks like us, that has all the characteristics of their daddy?

Where are the morals with this? I don’t want to kill anymore of my children because I am majorly flawed. But at the same time, I want to give these fertilized eggs a chance at life. I am so torn. I just wish I knew if I was supposed to try again. I honestly fear a psychotic break if anything ever happens again. 

As it is now, I forget to eat until I almost pass out. I have lost over 40 lbs since before I was pregnant. 10 lb since I gave birth and it seems to be steadily dropping by a 1lb every few days, but at the same time I can’t even fit into my pre-pregnancy pants. I am so lost.

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3 thoughts on “Morals and Fragile Sanity

  1. Iv had two ruptures and four early lost now have two sons it took a while but they found how to keep my baby’s in past 33 weeks and gave me steroids to help lungs. I hope one day they could do the same for you to and you will have more baby’s . but this time they will be with you to share your love not just feel your love from a far. And when you are ready your next baby will have two big sisters protecting from afar. I know it’s not a comfort now but I hope one day.

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