The snow on the ground outside our bedroom window is beautiful. It glistens and is pristine. Overnight though, it can become deadly. It calls for nearly 2 foot in just a few hours. I look at it and remember all the maternity pictures I had planned for it. There was a beautiful black and white one I planned on with James. Him kissing me, and out in front of us ( in focus while we were out of focus) two candy canes formed to make a heart over my growing stomach. I planned on making the candy cane red with a color pop.
I know things will get better and spring will eventually come. I know right now it feels as if all the flowers have died and will never return, but come spring the seeds will germinate and grow. Even through the blazing hot sun will scorch their petals. It is God’s way.
I know a lot of people are worried about me, I just need my time to curse the world and grieve. If I didn’t wouldn’t you be just as worried?
This Christmas there is no tree at the Roark house, and only the presents needed for family are hastily wrapped and placed in the corner. No over zealous light display outside as was seen every other year. Christmas just isn’t the same without being kicked from the inside. Instead I feel as though life is kicking me to the ground.
It all makes me have feelings and questions:
Am I still a mother, a woman, a wife?
Yesterday was the first time I could hug and cuddle my husband in bed in almost 7 weeks. Between a hospital bed, NICU recliner, and not being able to sleep on my side from the csection.
I’ve longed to hold him for so long, but it was a bittersweet reminder that there was nothing between us anymore. I could pull up close, and not worry about the lives we were trying to bring into this world.
We will visit our daughters’ graves today. We have a Christmas gift for them. Two little stuffed toys. Because we don’t know if Santa stops at graveyards or in Heaven. I love you, girls. A part of me went with each of you, and I will never be the same. But, I will go on. Your Dadda needs me more than I knew and I need him. We will see you again one day when it is finally God’s plan for us to be together.