Through both the funerals of my daughters’ I received two paper journals. At first I really didn’t know what to do with them, I was angry and hurt at the time with losing my little girls that I didn’t want to think about anything else.
It wasn’t long before I realized that there were so many things I wanted to tell my girls that I never got the chance. Like how proud of them I was, just how much I loved them, and how beautiful they really were.
I ended up using one journal to write to them. I talk to them as if they were still here. I wrote down every little detail I can remember about them, like Willow’s curly hair, and Hazel’s little toes.
I use the other to just talk to myself about where to go from here. Things I am unsure about and don’t want to make public. I fight with myself on whether it is right or wrong to want to try again. Whether it is fair to the girls to try again.
This brings me to the title of this post taken from a picture George Takei posted on Facebook today, “If you are going through hell…keep going,” and I am..and I will. I will never make it to the other side if I don’t keep going. It seems that everywhere I look, there is something that is oddly relevant.
It also seems that every TV show has to do with pregnancy or babies right now. I hate it. Everyone is pregnant or has a healthy little baby right now but me, and I feel they are all pushing it in my face and bragging. All I wanted was a child, a baby, and somehow I managed to even fuck that up.