Who knew? Apparently the Mayans

Well played, Mayans, well played. They did predict the end of the world, just not for humanity, but for us.  Our world did end this December 2012. But again, just because your world ends, doesn’t mean it is over. It is just the end of that era. A time for a new beginning. 2012 had my highest highs, and the lowest of my lows.

♥ “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester

I spent tonight laughing, crying, and drinking with family. On the drive home tonight I told James that I understand that the girls had to leave us and I accept that.  It doesn’t make it any easier, I just wish I had a reason. I wish I knew why. I have so many questions that will never be answered.

Why did the girls have to die?

Why us?

Is this a sign that we are not supposed to have children?

Will I ever be allowed to bring a child into this world and they be able to live a long happy life?

Are we doing something wrong?

Are we not good people?

I worry about my greed and want for those girls. I wanted them so baldly that I brought them into a world of pain and sorrow. I can’t imagine the pain they felt in the NICU, all because I wanted them so badly I wasn’t willing to terminate their life and end their pain and suffering. I can still see poor Hazel attempting to cry and not able to.  I had faith they would be ok, instead I brought them into nothing but pain. All because I wanted them too much.

I should be punished for my greed, not them. They were innocent.  Why not let them live, and put me into a horrible, excruciating accident? God, I don’t understand your methods, and I guess I never will. I prayed to you for children, and you have me angels. I have pleaded for answers, and have ended up with more questions. When will it end?

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