This is going to be a very hard subject for me to address. I still feel this is all my fault, and this only makes it worse. James and I had a conversation about everything that happened. Unfortunately, I think we knew what was going to happen, or someone or something was trying to prepare us.
The very day I pPROMed, I had a painful ultrasound. It was so weird that it actually hurt, but with the biophysical exams they have to push so it was normal along with a small amount of bleeding. That day I had a small amount of bleeding and pain, but instead of being ok with it like most things my Dr. tells me, I remember “googleing” all this on my phone between experiment runs at work. I remember coming across a pPROM thread, but just decided to try and trust that everything was ok. That night, my water broke.
The night before I went into labor, I told James I felt funny. I was oddly calm and so were the girls. I chalked that up to I was going to get a good night’s sleep. I woke up to bright red blood, contractions, and pain. That night I dreamed that I would have to make funeral arrangements. I hated myself when I woke up for dreaming such a thing. James finally confessed to me that very night be had a dream that we would only have one daughter.
The morning Hazel passed away, I had a dream that I was running down the hall of the NICU screaming because her heart monitor stopped. I had never had any doubt she was going to make it until then. Less than an hour later Hazel had passed. They had made us leave the room for awhile when we received a call to come quickly. James and I ran down the hall of the NICU to her room, right before I got there the Dr. came out and I let out a scream and collapsed into James’ arms crying. They didn’t need to tell us anything, the look on their face told us all we needed to know. During our conversation, James admitted to me that he knew it was going to be our last night with Hazel. “Someone” whispered it to him while he was there.
I know this all sounds horrible, but I think someone out there was trying to look after us. I hope that if you are going through this as well, you can look back and see if you remember anything like this. If you do, know that your babies are not alone. Someone was trying to watch out for you before they took your little one’s hand and made sure they were safe.
Guardian Angels do exist, but their purpose isn’t always to make sure everything is going perfectly. Sometimes they are given the harder task of taking our loved ones away from us and watching them until we can see them again.