It just isn’t the same to me

I am about to sound like a horrible person, but frankly I just don’t care. I am getting tired of people comparing what happened to us to a miscarriage. I’m sorry, but I held my children, I changed their diapers, I took their temperature, I changed their bedding, I held their hands. It isn’t the same. Just like what I had isn’t the same as a still birth. That mother didn’t get the opportunities that I had. A mother of a miscarried child might never have even been given the opportunity to hold their child. What we all go through shouldn’t be forced to carry a label.

Now saying that, if I were to have a miscarriage, I would be devastated. If I had a still birth i would be devastated. I am not trying to make it sound like it would be any less painful, I am just tired of people telling me, “I know how you feel,” when they can’t possibly. Just like I can’t know how a mother who had a miscarriage feels, or a still birth.

I am just tired of the, “lots of people miscarry their first,” and all that crap. I am bitter and jealous right now. Over half the people trying to console me have tiny babies, are pregnant, or have kids and it is like a knife in my back to be honest. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is.

It tears me apart to see, “I am so sorry, you are in my thoughts and prayers,” then immediately see them post pictures of their baby or updated maternity pictures on Facebook. I feel like I am that tragedy that the circle of mom’s talk about. I’m not a mother to them because I don’t have my children here with me, I couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like to raise a child.

I have news for everyone out there: I will always be a mother, I held my babies in my arms and I will always wear the scar across my stomach. Do not think just because you can still hold your children that it makes you any more of a mother than me. 

What I have aren’t stretch marks, I’m just a tiger who has earned her fucking stripes. When asked if I have any children, I don’t say no, I say two. 

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7 thoughts on “It just isn’t the same to me

  1. 199% agree!!!! No one will ever know what it feels like unless you go through it yourself. You are a mother and will always be a mother…no matter how someone decipher’s it. Be proud of your motherhood and everything it stands for. Your girls are proud of you and proud of James.

    We are parents and nothing will ever change that definition.

    – John

  2. There are no shoulds, no shouldn’ts, no reasons for you to apologize for anything you think, feel, or say. It is all as real as your motherhood and your tiger stripes and your beautiful children. No one’s loss is *ever* the same as anyone else’s. No one else *ever* knows how you feel. It hurts and angers to hear that someone else thinks they do. It hurts and angers to have your loss compared to anyone’s because they are not the same.

    One thing is true… you are not alone.

  3. I have read this post for the first time and I can’t beleive I have finally met someone who is going through what I did. My twins were born December 2011 prematurely. Alexis only lived 7 1/2 hours but my dear son lived in the NICU with us for 6 1/2 weeks. By far the best weeks of my life. It is so difficult for me to find people who changed their baby’s diapers and taken care of them, wondering everyday if this was the last day or if they were going to make it. Oh god I miss holding him.

    • I miss my girls too. We would have our good days, then bad, then we had nothing. It was so unfair. I only got 16 hours with Willow and 8 days with Hazel, but they were the best hours an days if my life.

  4. I lost my baby girl to PROM. She lived for 5 days. And I remember people trying to console me with their stories. I didn’t want to feel like their pain was any less than mine but yes – it’s not the same as a miscarriage. I had a person at work tell me that his wife miscarried a few times before she had their children & how it signified that his now children were meant to be & the others weren’t. How that was mean to console me, I have no idea. And how my holding my baby in my arms as she died is the same as miscarriage, I don’t see. I too just had a miscarriage two weeks ago & it was very painful. But, it was nothing like loosing my little girl. XO

    • I am so sorry for your losses. Unless you have been through the pain and loss of pPROM, it is so hard to explain and understand. My daughters lived (briefly) in the NICU because they were able to make it to viability. I STILL have people referring to them as miscarriages or being stillborn. Granted, I had experienced neither of those a can imagine the pain of either, but they aren’t the same. Thank you for commenting, it is nice to know I’m not crazy 🙂

  5. I always say I have 8 children, not 7. I also didn’t like hearing, “Death is death”. No, suicide is not the same as dying in car accident or cancer. Nine years later, I have healed so much. But my heart is scarred deeply.

    Thank you for being “raw”. We need to share those raw feelings.

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