Lessons learned

2012 has taught me many things, but the most important is to never want for anything. I wanted a family of my own and it was torn from me in an instant. I should have learned this much sooner, but it took unspeakable things to learn it for good.

I wanted my father to walk me down the isle at my wedding, I wanted to be a doctor. All these things were taken away from me at no fault of my own as well.

When I lost my precious girls, I not only lost my daughters, I lost many things with them.

My hopes, my dreams for the future, first words, first steps, first birthdays, first day of school, graduations, weddings, grandchildren, most of my heart, myself, and so much more.

I used to be pretty fearless, but now it seems all I have for the future is fear. I could be blessed with 20 more children in my future, but I will never have my Willow and Hazel. I will never again feel their tiny kicks. I never got the chance to hear Willow’s cry, and the one and only time I heard Hazel’s tiny cry was the last. I loved them more than anything in this world. Time is so precious, and I have wasted so much of it.

I never got to experience those last moths of pregnancy, the miserable swollen ankles and tired back. The hard kicks and jabs of a tiny life growing inside of me. I was robbed of that.

I love you so much, girls. I wish this were all a bad dream and I could wake up to your kicks in the middle of the night and cry tears of relief it was all a bad dream.

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