I am starting the new year of 2013 without the loves of my life. All of them. My girls are in Heaven and my husband driving home from work. As the ball dropped, I cried uncontrollably. James called 30 seconds before the new year and stayed on the phone with me, but it wasn’t the same.
When he walked in the door, I was a flood of tears. It didn’t seem right to start the new year without my precious babies. Then all night long I received text messages with sayings that include:
Happy New Year, hope this year is a good as the last!
Happy New Year, spending it with the love of my life and my amazing kids!
Blah Blah Kids
Blah Blah children
Blah Blah thankful for my kids
BLAH BLAH BLAH
Next year, leave me off the mass text list. I just keep reflecting on how unfair it is that God grants children to molesters, rapists, and murderers, but James and I are unworthy of the blessing of living children. I thought I led a fairly good life, I am not without Sin, but no one is. I even had a really good Christian daycare reserved for them.
I love my girls so much and I still want children, and that KILLS me even more. It doesn’t matter that I am young, I have two blocked fallopian tubes. I CANNOT get pregnant without IVF or FET. PERIOD. I love how EVERYONE is saying, “Well I know a couple who adopted then they got pregnant.” This isn’t Sex in The City people, this is not a movie or a TV show. It is medically impossible. Come on, if you think about it, even Jesus was a form of IVF! Pregnancy without sex!
This isn’t going to be a magical story of a family who lost their IVF twins then found out a year later they were pregnant without IVF. That isn’t my life. The only way I am EVER going to be pregnant again is if we can pay off the first IVF loan (2.5 years from now) and then can secure another one. I still can try a FET, but from research the odds are not great and it is a few thousand a try.
Why don’t you just adopt then? I keep hearing this one too. Sure, I would love an adopted child just like my own. But there are so many fears with it. I know so many adopted children who go on to look up their “real” parents and live with them or visit with them. That would kill me. Not to mention the cost of adopting is about $10,000 – $12,000 more than IVF, and I can’t get a loan for that.
I just wanted to start this new year out…well… new! But I can’t, and frankly I don’t want to. I don’t want to forget about my kids. The best thing in my life happened to me in 2012. I became a mother to Willow and Hazel, but I just didn’t know it would be the worst year of my life as well. In 2012 I lost Willow and Hazel.
I’m trying really hard not to give up hope. I just want a sign, something to tell me they didn’t die for no reason, that this is all part of this amazing and wonderful plan that I don’t fully understand yet. But at the same time I can’t believe that losing my kids was planned, while others mentioned about are allowed to do unspeakable things to theirs.