I spent the morning preparing myself to go see my OB for the first time since Hazel passed away. I did well. I sat in a waiting room for 20 minutes surrounded by pregnant women, or women with their newborns with them. It was amazingly difficult. I waited trying to occupy myself on my phone until I heard, “Krystal?”
I got up expecting to see Kayla, but I had a different nurse for the first time ever there. She takes my weight and blood pressure and leads me into the exam room. She leans against the counter, “Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding at this time?”
I immediately burst into tears. I wasn’t expecting that. James was with me and explained that we lost our twins within a week or birth. She immediately apologized and practically ran out of the room. I was then furious. Why wasn’t it in my chart that my children were deceased? I was upset and angry, until Dr. Sam came in. I am so thankful for her. This would all be so much harder without her.
She immediately apologized and told me how bad the nurse feels, she was in tears herself. Then she said how sorry she was I had to wait in the waiting area and how hard it must have been. I was all so hard, but we went over everything about the girls and my future.
It turns out that everything with both placenta was normal, but there were other issues. Willow was perfect in every way, except for my rupture (which is still completely unexplained.) Dr. Sam couldn’t find a single reason!
Hazel on the other hand had issues internally. Normal umbilical cords has one vein and two arteries to supply everything to the baby. Hazel’s only had one artery and was not centered on the placenta. This explains her low birth weight, and her low red blood cell count. If Hazel would have lived, she very possibly had serious medical issues her whole life. and if I would have carried her longer she might have died in utero.
God brought my girls out when he did so that I could meet them while they were still alive, so that I could be a mother for a short period of time. Those hours with Willow, and days with Hazel were the best of my life. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.
As far as my future goes, Dr. Sam wants me to try again if we are willing. She was able to do a lower segment caesarean section. This is really great news. Usually when you have to have a caesarean preterm and prematurely it is a lot higher and can actually cause major problems if the woman ever becomes pregnant again. Because I had twins, my uterus was stretched enough to have the lower segment caesarean. This was a great relief, also because of the twins, my uterus stretched to almost full term for a singleton pregnancy. This means that my uterus is less likely to rupture in a future pregnancy (if I am so blessed).
Everything today was good news. I still need more time to heal and I am to rest more, I am trying to do too much too soon. I was cleared to go on vacation with James as long as I promise to take it VERY easy. I am kind of happy my recovery is going slowly. I get an additional 4 weeks now before I have to return to work. I loved my job “before,” but I am such a different person now. I worry that everyone is going to expect the same “me” when I go back. I’m not the happy, joking, laughing, talkative person I used to be, and I doubt I will ever fully be that person again. I am laughing again, but then I immediately feel guilty for it.
I left my cell phone number and email with Dr. Sam to give to anyone else experiencing infant loss in her practice. She almost cried. I told her give it to them, and let them choose. If they don’t want to talk, I could just come and sit and cry with them. Let them know they are not alone, even though they may feel like it. Since the girls passed, there have been 3 other infant losses. At least one of them the woman had no other children. I hope I can help her when she is ready.
Once my rest time is up, I will have another appointment with my doctor to check on my mental stability. That was one was Dr. Sam made me laugh today. She said usually she has to give a post partum depression questionnaire, but she was going to skip it with me because I would read off the charts depressed and she would have to file it. She did say she could prescribe me some nice little happy pills to help me out, but I refused. I have been on them before and James said they turn me into an emotionless zombie.
I want to feel the pain of losing my girls. It shows how deeply I loved them. If I didn’t mourn them, they wouldn’t know. I miss them more everyday, but I want to move forward in my life to make them proud. They are my pride and joy and the light in my life. I see them in the stars and the butterflies. They even send me little reminders they are thinking of me two. I have already received two of them. I love you too, girls.