No Words

In the English language there are orphans and widows, but there are no word for the parents who lose a child.- Jodi Picoult

There are no words for what I am feeling today. I keep thinking back to last July when I received that one phone call from my doctor, “Congratulations, Mrs. Roark. You’re pregnant.” I cried then too. Only they were much different tears then. Fast forward 8 1/2 weeks when I am in the doctor’s office anxiously awaiting to see if I am still pregnant, and my first ultrasound…and there on the screen is two fluttering images. The heartbeats of my two children…two…there were two. I was so excited, not only was I going to be a mom, but I was going to have two children.

Today what I had to focus on was what design I wanted for their headstone, and how much money I needed to save up for it. I looked over to the “baby” jar in the corner. We have a 2 foot tall Ball Jar that James and I always put our change in and extra cash we had. We were going to use it to buy special things for the twins. And right now the most special thing we can get them is a beautiful headstone. Reality sucks.

Fast forward my brain to tonight. I can’t help but think of my visit to Dr. Sam yesterday and my upcoming visit with the specialist. I have so many mixed feelings. I was almost sure I should never try for children again, until speaking with my doctor. I didn’t want to let any more of my children die. But now, I am so confused. She thinks I could have a normal pregnancy if we try again. Now, I have to figure out if I will chance it, and if we can come up with all the money to try again.

James and I spoke about the possibility of a surrogate. We tossed it around, yes I would be extremely jealous of someone carrying my child when I couldn’t, but at the same time I could keep my baby safe that way. Then like someone could hear my thoughts, I get a text from a very good friend. She said she loved us and wanted to tell us something very important. If we ever thought about surrogacy, she would be honored to be a surrogate for us. James and I sat on the couch and cried. She offered to give up everything for us, her body, her diet, everything. How do you respond to that?

James and I have a lot to think about, but for once there is a possibility of a future. We could make Willow & Hazel big sisters. They could help up watch over their little sibling in ways I can’t. In ways I couldn’t for them. Keep him/her safe like I couldn’t them. A mother should always keep her children safe, I didn’t. There were so many things I could have done differently.

I have a lot to think about. We head to the specialist before we head on vacation. I know what you are thinking, “How the hell can you even think about going on vacation after all this?” To be honest, it has been almost a year since James and I could enjoy each other’s company. We couldn’t even sleep in the same bed since November, and he wouldn’t hug me since early in the pregnancy in fear he would put too much pressure on me and we could hurt the children, especially after the rupture.

I just want to be able to snuggle in next to him again and try to work on us for awhile. I love him so much and can’t imagine going through this with anyone else. He has been so strong and has held me up so many times when I couldn’t even stand on my own. I know I may not say it enough right now, James, but I love you with all that is left of my heart.

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