It’s 3:15 AM and I can’t sleep again, or maybe it’s more of an ‘I don’t want to fall asleep.’ I’ve been handling the loss of my girls better lately, even allowing myself to have a life again. The problem is, now sometimes I wake up feeling, or rather thinking, nothing happened… Or that I am still pregnant then reality sets in like a kick to the stomach quickly taking my breath away. I even have phantom ‘kicks’ throughout the day. It is then that I am thrown full swing back into a downward spiral.
Maybe I am moving forward too quickly. The other mothers in my support group couldn’t even get themselves out of bed for the first 2-3 months, let alone function. It has only been 6 weeks and I am fully functioning, an active volunteer, applying for the Montgomery County Chamber of Commerce, emailing the state senator about changes in regulations, talking with corporates about charities, and starting a pilot program with my OB/GYN.
Is this God’s way of saying, “Hey, you shouldn’t be functioning yet. You are acting like this was no big set back.”
I was crushed, am crushed, mentally and it felt like physically. I never knew grief could be so physical. I was being suffocated, pushed under the dirt at their graves. I had to fight, no claw, my way back out before it was too late. I didn’t want to loose what little life I had left in me. I couldn’t. I had to live, if not for me… Then for my beautiful little girls. It wouldn’t be fair to them if they had to die, and I lived my life as if I had too.
I HAVE to make something of my life and myself. I can’t waste it, I can’t waste my time here. So, I don’t understand the set back. Why now? Why spiral me back down? I just don’t get it. It feels like two steps forward gets me three steps back. Every time I make progress I am thrown even farther back. God, I am trying so hard. Just give me a glimpse of what you hold for me. Am I going in the wrong direction, is that it?
When I do sleep, my dreams torture me with images of James and I as parents to earthy children. Not Hazel and Willow though, I’d know my girls anywhere and these children are not them. Why can’t my dreams be a refuge from reality? Why can’t I just see my girls again in them? I miss you.