It’s just a feeling

It’s 3:15 AM and I can’t sleep again, or maybe it’s more of an ‘I don’t want to fall asleep.’ I’ve been handling the loss of my girls better lately, even allowing myself to have a life again. The problem is, now sometimes I wake up feeling, or rather thinking, nothing happened… Or that I am still pregnant then reality sets in like a kick to the stomach quickly taking my breath away. I even have phantom ‘kicks’ throughout the day. It is then that I am thrown full swing back into a downward spiral.

Maybe I am moving forward too quickly. The other mothers in my support group couldn’t even get themselves out of bed for the first 2-3 months, let alone function. It has only been 6 weeks and I am fully functioning, an active volunteer, applying for the Montgomery County Chamber of Commerce, emailing the state senator about changes in regulations, talking with corporates about charities, and starting a pilot program with my OB/GYN.

Is this God’s way of saying, “Hey, you shouldn’t be functioning yet. You are acting like this was no big set back.”

I was crushed, am crushed, mentally and it felt like physically. I never knew grief could be so physical. I was being suffocated, pushed under the dirt at their graves. I had to fight, no claw, my way back out before it was too late. I didn’t want to loose what little life I had left in me. I couldn’t. I had to live, if not for me… Then for my beautiful little girls. It wouldn’t be fair to them if they had to die, and I lived my life as if I had too.

I HAVE to make something of my life and myself. I can’t waste it, I can’t waste my time here. So, I don’t understand the set back. Why now? Why spiral me back down? I just don’t get it. It feels like two steps forward gets me three steps back. Every time I make progress I am thrown even farther back. God, I am trying so hard. Just give me a glimpse of what you hold for me. Am I going in the wrong direction, is that it?

When I do sleep, my dreams torture me with images of James and I as parents to earthy children. Not Hazel and Willow though, I’d know my girls anywhere and these children are not them. Why can’t my dreams be a refuge from reality? Why can’t I just see my girls again in them? I miss you.

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3 thoughts on “It’s just a feeling

  1. Maybe your dreams are a glimpse into what His plan will bring? Everyone grieves in their own way, I don’t think you should compare yourself to others. I think the work you are doing is magnificent.

  2. I have phantom kicks, too. And there are times when I realize, omg, I’m NOT pregnant anymore, and it feels like someone took a baseball bat to my stomach. It’s a constant waking up and realizing that nothing is how it should be.

  3. I have phantom kicks throughout the day now and then. I actually didn’t realize that that’s what it was…I just thought I’m still pregnant…and then life kicks me in the face and I realize that I’m dreaming.

    I’ve learned not to compare my grief. I also have heard of moms who couldn’t get out of bed for 2-3 months after. I, too, was functioning after 6 weeks. I was hesitant to go out in public during busy times of day, but I was doing it. I was spending time with friends. I was living life. I am now almost 5 months out from my boys’ birth (though only 4 months out from my second son’s passing) and I, too want to honor them in every way I can. I’m working with the hospital to establish a better bereavement policy. I am joining the Parent’s Council for our NICU. I am working to raise money for MoD. I’m even meeting with my OB for plans for a subsequent pregnancy (and have already met with my fertility specialists again). We’re also pursuing adoption.

    I think the big thing to know is that no way is right or wrong. But also that you have to allow yourself to have bad days, weeks, hours, nights…whatever that is. If you don’t, you’ll get railroaded. Just know it happens…to all of us.

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