I have been thinking to myself A LOT today. It was my first day back at work “After.” It was awkward to say the least. Some people avoided me, some talked too much, some didn’t know what to say, some said nothing, some just hugged, some pretended like it didn’t happen and talked about their kids. And to be honest, I didn’t (and still don’t) know how I want people to act. It is conflicting to be honest. You don’t want people to talk to you, yet you do. You don’t want anyone to pretend like it didn’t happen, but you don’t want them to pity you. It is hard, for both sides, and I know that. What did help was a good cry with a good friend, who has been there (unfortunately). I would do anything to take back what happened to her. She is amazing and a strong pillar for me there, if it were not for her… I probably would have quit today.
I spoke with someone else today, and it warmed my heart. He asked about my girls. Talked about Hazel and his hopes for her to live. It meant the world to me. He even had tears in his eyes when talking about her funeral and how it affected him and his wife. Honestly, their story sucks too. They have never even been able to have a positive pregnancy test, let alone a pregnancy or a child. They have done multiple rounds of IVF with no luck. I pray with everything that they are blessed with a child soon. They deserve to be parents.
Even with all that I have been through, I would never wish that I was NOT Willow and Hazel’s mom. I cherish every moment of my pregnancy and their short lives. I know the heartache of negatives tests, and just that first moment when I saw the word “pregnant” on that stick, then seeing their precious faces and little toes…. makes it all worth while. Even if it was way too short.
All that being said, I have thought about something today: If I am ever so blessed as to have another pregnancy and it goes full term resulting in a healthy baby, what advise would I give them? How would I raise them differently now that I have lost Willow and Hazel.
First off, they would always know their big sisters. They will be a part of their lives. They will speak their names when they are old enough to talk, and will see their big sisters’ photos.
Secondly, I will teach them:
Don’t take a job for the money
Always make time for your family
Be honest with God, even if you are angry with Him
Always be honest with yourself
Father’s don’t be afraid to kiss your sons
Girl’s don’t let a man, job, or anything else define you
Don’t be afraid to be unique and stand out in a crowd
Never grow up
Son’s don’t be afraid to tell your father you love them
Don’t expect to have the same friends all your life
Don’t expect the expected, and don’t dismiss miracles
Love your family always, you never know how much time you will have with them… and you don’t want to miss a thing. Someone can be taken away from you in an instant.