I guess I am just having a down day. I am going to warn anyone reading this, it is going to get very personal and there is going to be a whole lot of TMI. So if you don’t want to read about my ‘intimate’ life, ignore this post. For all of your sake, I will start further down the page so you don’t have to accidentally read something you don’t want to.
I see so many people on all social media announcing their pregnancies, showing off their newborns, and kids. I am past the hurt. Now I am just overwhelmed with sadness. It fills me with a deep sorrow to know that making love to my husband will never result in a cheerful announcement that I am pregnant. And it is all my fault. He is absolutely fine. If he would have met someone else, he would have never had to go through the loss of children, and the despair of infertility. After all, he is fertile. I am not.
Every child we will ever be blessed with (if we are ever blessed again) will be the result of a sterile operating room. A threesome if you want to call it. You, Me, and my RE makes 3. It will never be an intimate moment, full of love that conceives a child. Instead it will be months of shots, pills, operating rooms, and bills. That being said, I am grateful this technology exists. It gave me two beautiful daughters that are now in Heaven, and had it have all worked out, I know I wouldn’t feel this way. But those weren’t the cards we were dealt, were they?
What brought all these feelings on? Honestly, going back to work did it. Our break room is on the second story of the building and the outside wall is all glass. Very pretty to look out, and right in the middle there is a tree. When I was pregnant, I didn’t tell anyone at first. I was so afraid of a miscarriage. So we waited until I was 16w before telling the majority of people at work. But before, every day I would go into the break room and carefully so no one would see, I would rub my stomach and talk to my two little ‘mogwais’ that I knew were growing inside of me. Then, one day something amazing happened. A bird built a nest in that tree. She laid eggs and I watched them hatch, all the time knowing I was going to have that too. I watched her feed them and care for them. I watched those little birds grow everyday and become adults.
Then my world turned upside down. I was gone from work for almost 3 months with the bed rest, recovery from my csection, and loss of my twins. That first day back I went into the break room and lost it. I cried so hard, I thought everyone there could hear it. There in that tree was a derelict, grey, nest. It was slightly falling out of the tree. Ragged. It was exactly how I felt and I knew how my womb looked. Empty. Seen better days. Neglected.
Everyday, I go back to work and am reminded of the feelings I felt in the “Before,” and then the rush of pain of the “After.” Some days I am ok, others I am not.
At Petsmart yesterday, I was asked about the ribbon I wore on my coat.
“Is there something going on with Breast Cancer this week? I have seen 3 ribbons just like that one this week.”
“This isn’t a ribbon for Breast Cancer Awareness. It is for Infant loss. We lost our twin daughters,” I calmly told the cashier.
“Oh, sorry. When did you lost them?”She politely and eagerly asked. I was a little taken aback by this. But, curiosity pushed me forward, and it helped to hold back the tears. “We lost them in December.”
“I lost mine in December too, how far along were you?”
“I gave birth to my daughters at almost 27 weeks. One of my daughter’s lived for 16 hours and one for 8 days.” At this point I was choking back tears. No one ever thinks you can lose an infant. Only a pregnancy to miscarriage. Both are the loss of a child, but no one can comprehend that you can lose a child after birth, IF it hasn’t happened to you.
“I understand, I lost mine at 10 1/2 weeks along.”
“I’m sorry for your loss. ”
“Yah, I was far enough along to start showing and tell everyone.”
“Yah, we decided if we can ever come up with the funds to do IVF again, we would not tell anyone that I was pregnant, even if it were 9 months obvious.”
“I understand! That’s what we are doing now. I just found out I am pregnant again. I didn’t even think you could get pregnant that fast again!” At this point, my heart plunged into my stomach. I knew she could see it on my face too. Immediately she replied. “Well, I hope it all works out for you,” she said with a sympathetic smile.
“You too.” I grabbed James’ hand and headed out the door. She didn’t look very old. Probably fresh out of high school, possibly her first year of college. If only it were so easy for us.
James and I laughed when my OB warned us to use protection for the next few months. Getting pregnant within 4 months of a csection could be very dangerous for the mother. Needless to say, James and I didn’t run out and buy condoms. 6 years of charting, fertility medications, exact timing (down to the hour sadly), and injecting sperm directly into my uterus with the egg via IUI didn’t work, I’m not worried about getting pregnant. Too bad that last phrase couldn’t work as well as it does with many teenagers, “I’m not worried about getting pregnant.” Then bam, we have shows like Teen Mom on MTV.
Ok, I have pissed and moaned enough for today. I need to clean the house anyway.