My dreamer

I love James, he is a dreamer. He is positive we will have a child, even if we have to adopt that child. He is still buying gender neutral baby things as well. His optimism is refreshing, but saddening as well. I do not necessarily share this point of view. I go through days were I keep my view up beat and positive, “We WILL have a baby!” Then I have my down days, “I will never be a mother again.” I wish I could be like him. He holds me when I cry and doesn’t try and make me stop. I know other mothers who have lost who’s husbands do not support them as James does me, that have left them due to the loss, and mothers who don’t have another half. Those women are the strongest women I know. I admire them. I am not strong enough to do this on my own, I know that. My heros are those women who have lost a child and only depend on themselves.

I do know that it hasn’t always been easy on James and I. Infertility put a horrid strain on our relationship. Intimacy became a painful reminder that I couldn’t give him a child. It almost extinguished the ‘spark’ in our marriage. Intimacy became a chore, a scheduled event. Sometimes even down to the hour when I was on trigger shots before we knew my tubes were blocked. Trying to conceive a child became a threesome. Myself, my husband and my RE! A third person in the ‘bedroom’ with nitrile gloves and a mask. Some peoples’ idea of a ‘kinky’ night I would imagine 🙂 I want so much for a child to be born from the loving caress of our bedroom, not a hospital room in Indianapolis!

James said something last night, that actually kind of hurt me. “Wouldn’t it be great if you got pregnant this month? I’ve read where women with blocked tubes get pregnant after an IVF loss sometimes.” Oh Jamie, that is with obstructed tubes, I have mangled blocked tubes that the RE wanted to remove they were so bad. They barely resemble tubes anymore, they will never be ‘unblocked’ by a miracle. I know one tube isn’t so bad, but the ovary attached to that tube doesn’t respond until pumped with tons of artificial forced stimulant. I love his optimism, but feel crushed by it at the same time. “Yah, Honey bee, wouldn’t that be something.”

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