I cried

Today has just been a bad day. Usually, you have a little bit after you wake up to at least tolerate a day. Not today. I wake up to a Facebook Message on my phone. Not a good one either. To top it all off, it is from another mother of pPROM loss. I felt like for so long, that I had finally found my place in life. It wasn’t the place I had chosen for myself, and I didn’t want to be there, but I fit in.

I have always been a person who guarded my emotions, and not let myself get caught up in the drama of life. I found myself in the middle of it sometimes, but I didn’t personally put myself there when I could avoid it. I’m not an outwardly emotional person as well. I’m not even that fond of being touched.

After my loss though, I yearned for human companionship. When James is around, I won’t let go of his hand unless I have to. I constantly want him to hold me. I became emotionally involved in the lives of other mothers of loss, especially my support groups of pPROM loss. I felt a strong bond with them, and opened my heart up.  I began running to the defense of any of the mothers that needed me. That completely backfired on me this morning, and now I have lost that trust, that bond. I no longer fit in anymore. I burned a bridge that I didn’t even know was there. All because I cared about someone I didn’t know and comforted her in a time of need.

This unknowingly set me back in my grief process. Now, I feel like I should just stay away from others and lose my trust again. Guard myself. Why must I constantly be tested? I wish I could just have a ‘semester break.’

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