LMN – Lifetime Movie Network

Why must I do this to myself? Of course, I am watching LMN and the movie is The Surrogacy Trap. But what did I expect really? It is LMN. They either show mushy romantic movies, or the worst possible thing to happen in a given situation.

If I had any reservations before, this movie is not helping me any now. I want to give each one of those frosty embryos a chance at life. As I look at it, James and I have 6 children, 2 angels, and 4 waiting for us to give them the best possibility for survival. I don’t think the best possibility is me…

James and I have been approached a few times now with individuals willing to be a surrogate for us. James and I have been discussing this a lot lately, a LOT. I am so afraid that my body just can’t handle a pregnancy. The problem I am faced with is the price of surrogacy, the location of the individuals willing, and the jealousy. Then, there is the issue of “Is that person going to want to be a large part of their life?” I mean, I understand that they would want to be. After all, they would carry them. Family means everything to me, and family means unconditional love. I know from experience, friendship by no means is comparable to that.  [I would like to add that I know this is not true for all people when it comes to family and/or friends. This is just how it is with me and my experience.  My family is my everything.]

Honestly, the only way James and I could afford it is if we have someone we know be the gestational surrogate of our children. The carrier, they need to be someone who knows me. Who knows how I can be. Who can put up with me. Who is willing to put up with me. Honestly, there are only a couple of people I wouldn’t be jealous of carrying my child, but I am too afraid to approach them and ask. What if they say no? What if they only say yes because they feel an obligation, or feel like they can’t tell me no? How do you ask that of someone? How do you ask someone to give up their lives to carry a child that you can’t? To take 2 1/2 inch needle shots in the ass nightly for 8-12 weeks?

These kinds of questions have been swarming my mind. We know that the person(s) we have in mind would have never thought of it themselves, and might even possibly laugh thinking it was a joke if we brought it up. I’m lost and confused. I love my friends that have offered, and I don’t want them to think that I might not still be considering them in the future. I’m just battling with the jealousy factor for now. Maybe I should just go see a counselor to work out some of my anxiety.

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