Sometimes I am amazed by how little of an understanding there is of the grief process by others. It makes me wonder if they have just never had to process grief for any reason, or if it was purely that they have never lost someone so close that it felt like part of their heart and soul was ripped out of their body and left with them.
I say this because today it was brought up that I seem pretty, “Over it,” by now and shouldn’t need to take any time off work at this point. I have to admit, I laughed in their face. It caught me off guard and I just couldn’t help myself. “No, there are times when I break down and feel like I can’t handle it. I actually spent all day yesterday in lab crying through my work.” “Oh, really?” “Yes, really. I will never be ‘over it,’ the death of my daughters will always be with me. I fully expect to cry randomly throughout the rest of my life, and just have days I need to be by myself.”
I understand that this is a hard thing for those who haven’t lost a child to understand. When our parents die, we mourn and grieve as well. We never want loved ones to pass. But we grow up with the notion deep down that we will one day have to bury our parents, just as they do theirs. We never expect to have to bury a child. Similar with siblings, some will pass before us, some after us. It doesn’t mean it hurts any less to know we are going to bury someone in our lifetimes. It hurts when someone dies so young, so full of life. My girls had their whole life ahead of them, literally.
It is such a cruel thing for me to be here and them not. Several times I wished I had died during the c-section, to be able to trade my life for theirs. A wasted life, for two innocent ones. But, the world doesn’t work like that, does it? Instead, I have to try and make something of myself now in the little time I have left. I have to make sure it isn’t wasted, that there is a purpose and a reason I lived while they didn’t. Somehow, I have to change the world, or at least my little corner of it.