Being a Mommy

As long as I have understood what it meant, I have wanted to be a mother. No one can deny me that I AM one now, but no one can see it.

The desire to be a mother has been with me for years. Even after I was diagnosed with infertility, I still had hope but knew it might not be in my cards. James and I discussed if IVF didn’t work, that could be the end. And I had come to peace with that.

But now that I have lost two of the most important people in my life, my daughters, the need and desire to be a mother on earth is overwhelming. It engulfs my thoughts, and takes over my life. It seems so cruel. Cruel that I no longer have that peace with me. Cruel that I would want something, I probably can’t have, so badly.

Why would God give me this want, only to take it away, then make me need it even more. It feels like a cruel joke.

God, help me understand my desires. Lead me out of them, if that is your will. I don’t know how much more I can take.

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