One ticket to Crazy

Sometimes I just feel like I’m going crazy. It is slowly working its way deeper into my new ‘normal.’

Sometime it is as simple as forgetting to wear socks, putting the bread in the fridge when I’m done, walking into a room and having no clue why, being in the middle of a sentence and forgetting the end of it, talking to my girls out loud in public, grabbing something other than my soda can or water bottle and trying to drink from it, dipping an ink pen into the solution I just made thinking it was my syringe, and etc. :/

Maybe this is just my brain’s way of protecting its self. A way of putting a layer between perception and reality. A cushion to my grief.

Or is it what I’m doing to myself? All the questions, research, and what ifs. Listening to the people that tell me I will have another baby die if I don’t get a TAC. I honestly do not believe I have IC, so why do I even listen to them in the first place?

Questions, research, work and thoughts of babies cloud my judgement. Everywhere I look, I can’t escape pregnancy and babies. No wonder I’m going crazy.

“Then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I’ve gone
Completely out of my mind.

And they’re coming to take me away ha haa
They’re coming to take me away ho ho he he ha haa

To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time.
And I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats….”

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4 thoughts on “One ticket to Crazy

  1. Nope your not going crazy hun, grief makes it hard to do even the smallest task. I remember very little of last year as I was a walking zombie for at least six months. With regards to a tac is that what yr consultant thinks? If you have a tac you would only be able to give birth with a c section. I am being given a small stitch which they will remove at 37 weeks. For me though I know ic was partly to blame as I had very little pain and no contractions with my son (1st twin). Twin pregnancies are always high risk and many come just too early to make it in this world. There is probably no reason to not believe if you had a singleton pregnancy you would be fine. It is normal to search for a reason when this happens to you. See what the medical bods recommend.

    • My RE, OB, and a leading IC Dr in the US all believe I do not have IC. One other leading IC Dr, said there is no doubt I have IC and will need a TAC, but from what I hear he tells EVERYONE who has had a 2nd trimester loss/birth that.

      My RE and OB said that I will have a TVC placed in my next pregnancy (a small cervical stitch placed vaginally). I am just letting people get into my head and play on my emotions I think.

      I will be high risk no matter what from now on, and I have a high chance of twins in future pregnancies because I am strictly IVF. I will not do an eSET, because my embryos are frozen in pairs. After seeing how hard my daughters both fought to stay alive, I can’t purposely just throw one embryo out. If one doesn’t make it through the thawing process, that is different, then I will only transfer the one that makes it.

      Both my RE and OB, suggested a SET, but they both respect my wishes with thawing and support my decision. I am leaving it up to God. If both embryos thaw, I will transfer two. It has been a VERY hard decision, but I know it is the right one for my husband and I.

      Thank you for the reply. All things feel crazy in life right now!

  2. You are not alone babes. It is not easy to just try again when the only way is through IVF. For me, I could not go through a twin pregnancy again as they will only put cervical stitch in the UK on a single pregnancy. I had 6 frozen embies that were put through blastocyst and I could only have one put back, which thankfully took. I have 3 left frozen but they are of lower grade so I think this pregnancy is my last chance. I can completely understand your reasons as every little frozen embie is so very precious when you have been down our path. I could not throw away any of my frosties. Any subsequent pregnancy you have you will be very closely monitored. You are strong and you will get there and I hope with all my heart that you will get your dream in the end. Don’t give up hope. I hope and pray you and your partner will experience parenthood again but with all the joyous bits instead which you so rightly deserve.

    • You are so very sweet! I pray for you as well. Here in the US they will do the stitch for me, then I will be on complete bed rest from 10-12 weeks on, but very much worth it! We have to support each other, and I am here for you anytime you need me!

      I am part of a Facebook group for pPROM loss, but sometime I wonder if it put more doubt in my head than good! Oh well, I will march on because that it all I CAN do.

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