Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. I’m exhausted. Some days are fine, I cry once and it is over. Some days I can’t stop the crying and the pain. I just want it to be over, but it never will. Grief is there until you die. It never goes away.

Every birthday party, every promotion, every happy moment in your life in the ‘after’ will walk hand in hand with your grief.

It pops up when you expect it, like on special dates for your angels. But then, there are those unexpected times. A ketchup packet, a saying on a hot sauce packet at Taco Bell, a night gown. Then the tears come in burning streaks.

I feel like I should wear a warning badge on my clothes : WARNING: May cry for no apparent reason.

There are so many unexpected badges we have to wear when being a mother to the dead.

I wish for one day I could take them all off, but then that would mean for one day I would have to forget about Willow and Hazel. And that is something I am not willing to do. I’ll wear my pain and grief like a badge of honor that only other mothers of loss can see.

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2 thoughts on “Sometimes

  1. Its a long, hard road we walk. I was tempted many times to end it, but kept thinking to myself if it had been your time you would have joined them when you were ill. It never goes away, the pain just gets different in time. Never loose hope or love as they are the things that will make your grief-stricken heart heal.

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