Sometimes I hate my body. It likes to give me painful reminders that I don’t have my daughters in my arms.

First, it was the lactation. I lactated for nearly 2 weeks after I lost both girls. There I was soaked and producing milk for children that would never get the nourishment. Hazel only got 1.5 cc of it before she died. Basically a thimble full. Now I was producing it by buckets it felt like.

Now, I keep having phantom kicks. My uterus is twitching/spasming in exactly the same spot Willow liked to kick me. Every time I feel it, I cry. Why? Why does it have to do it there? Why does it even have to spasm? Nothing is in there and it has completely gone back to normal size. It is 4 months post delivery. Leave me the hell alone already.

God, please help me through this. I don’t know how this fits into Your plan, but it sucks. I trust You, but don’t understand this.


9 thoughts on “Reminders

  1. As a fellow baby loss mom, I can promise you that it’s normal to feel phantom kicks and they do stop – eventually. Sometimes I would feel them…and fantasise that I was still pregnant even though I knew I wasn’t. So many hugs to you.

  2. As you know, I just wrote about the phantom kicks recently. It boggles my mind… I mean, how can my body reproduce that sensation, one that I never had before 14 ish weeks???? It’s ridiculous, and one more incredibly unfair thing to deal with.

    • I know. I thought back to your post. I have had them here and there, but today was rediculous! I was being “kicked” over and over again. I just started bawling at work. At first, I took it as a “Hi, Mom, thinking of you!”

      But then it just kept happening, and I just wanted it to stop. I couldn’t take it anymore. Even as I sit here, I just had another one. I don’t know what is going on inside of me anymore.

  3. I don’t recall ever having that but my husband did have to physically restrain me when my belly started to go down. I started to punch my stomach and ranted and raged how useless my body was and caused a blood clot. It is cruel that you are having these problems to deal with on top of everything else. It sucks big time and makes life very hard for you.

  4. Aw hunny you are not useless. Most baby loss moms go through a period of loss of self confidence and I know I blamed myself for a long time because I could not keep the twins safe inside me. Have you mentioned to your doctor how you feel? I had to go on antidepressants for a little while to help me. Don’t try and struggle on your own. Always here for you and I hope I can help even in some microscopic way. xx

    • You help tremendously. My Dr tried to get me to go on them, but I don’t like them. I was on them when my dad died and it feels like they take all of my emotions away. I know it sounds weird, but I need to feel these emotions. I know they will go away eventually. It just helps to hear from everyone who has been there and is there now.

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