Sometimes I hate my body. It likes to give me painful reminders that I don’t have my daughters in my arms.
First, it was the lactation. I lactated for nearly 2 weeks after I lost both girls. There I was soaked and producing milk for children that would never get the nourishment. Hazel only got 1.5 cc of it before she died. Basically a thimble full. Now I was producing it by buckets it felt like.
Now, I keep having phantom kicks. My uterus is twitching/spasming in exactly the same spot Willow liked to kick me. Every time I feel it, I cry. Why? Why does it have to do it there? Why does it even have to spasm? Nothing is in there and it has completely gone back to normal size. It is 4 months post delivery. Leave me the hell alone already.
God, please help me through this. I don’t know how this fits into Your plan, but it sucks. I trust You, but don’t understand this.