Infertility and child loss

I’m so tired of infertility and the death of my daughters defining my life, consuming every aspect of it.

My husband has been bugging me daily about getting a new car. He is driving my first car. A 1999 dodge neon. The passenger door is banged up and hard to open, the driver side door was backed into, the whole front passenger side is pretty beat up from a hit and run, the back bumper has been hit, and the gear shift is being held together with a bobby pin and a piece of plastic, literally. It looks horrible, but it runs. For how much longer, I don’t know.

He deserves a news car, he really does. But I keep telling him no. Every time I think of a new car payment, I get sick at my stomach. 400-500 dollars a month could go a long way into our dream of becoming parents to living children. Every time I eat out I am overwhelmed by guilt. I refuse to order out with coworkers, or even visit my family as much as I want, because I can’t stand the thought of spending the gas money.

We are paying $235 dollars a month on a loan we took out to try IVF. Please don’t take this wrong, it was worth it to meet my precious angels, but it is also a monthly reminder of what we lost.

I just keep telling myself, if I could just get pregnant, then my husband could get a new car. If my body weren’t so messed up, I wouldn’t have to worry about him so much at night when he drives a car with headlights so old and yellowed you can only see a few feet out.

If only my body weren’t so f**ked up…
If only he hadn’t married me…

I refused to let infertility and child loss to define my life, but I am realizing I can’t make my declaration. It does. Financially, mentally, emotionally, and any other way I can think of.

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4 thoughts on “Infertility and child loss

  1. We are still paying for the last two treatments. I remember feeling very fed up as everyone I knew who was pregnant last year went onto have their babies without a problem, one an IVF first attempt, the others natural and it made me sick to my stomach. I felt such a horrid nasty person for wishing it hadn’t been my twins that were taken when we had spent so much money to get a sniff at being parents, only for it to be snatched away. It is a cruel world and I still don’t get why this seems to happen to those of us who desperately want to be moms and dads. Sending about a trillion hugs your way. xx

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