Sometimes things are just none of your business. I had to step back today at work and deal with this.
Adoption was brought up, asking if James and I were going to adopt. I said, no, it was way too expensive. Then the conversation went more in the direction of making it seem like I shouldn’t try again because it would be risking losing another child and a health risk to me. That they would just be too afraid, and there should be assistance with adoption for people in my situation.
I made the comment of, “The bigger fear is never becoming a mother [to living children].” This person then said “yah, but you have to weigh the fears.” Then proceed to insinuate that it should be years before I ever try again, IF I should try again.
Frankly, it’s none of their business. I know they were trying to be nice, but what if I were trying again now? Do they realize how that would make me feel? What if I didn’t want to adopt? What if I could naturally conceive and and I fell pregnant shortly after and were pregnant during this conversation and hadn’t told yet?
There are some subjects you should never bring up to a friend or co-worker who has lost a child. If we wanted to talk to you about it, we would bring it up. But the notion of adopting, trying to conceive after a loss, getting pregnant, or asking if they are pregnant are subject to avoid, UNLESS brought up by that mother. It can be very hurtful, no matter where you are in the process, or if you WILL ever be back in the process.
And maybe I took everything out of context, and that isn’t what they meant at all. Maybe they were meaning something completely different, and I misunderstood., but that is a factor as well. You don’t know how a bereaved mother will take your comments, or in what context. We are grieving, and will be for the rest of our lives. It is best to just keep those questions to yourself.
I hope this post does not offend anyone. I do not mean it to. And, some woman may be perfectly fine with this conversation and have no problem. Each of us is different.