None of your Business

Sometimes things are just none of your business. I had to step back today at work and deal with this.

Adoption was brought up, asking if James and I were going to adopt. I said, no, it was way too expensive. Then the conversation went more in the direction of making it seem like I shouldn’t try again because it would be risking losing another child and a health risk to me.  That they would just be too afraid, and there should be assistance with adoption for people in my situation.

I made the comment of, “The bigger fear is never becoming a mother [to living children].” This person then said “yah, but you have to weigh the fears.” Then proceed to insinuate that it should be years before I ever try again, IF I should try again.

Frankly, it’s none of their business. I know they were trying to be nice, but what if I were trying again now? Do they realize how that would make me feel? What if I didn’t want to adopt? What if I could naturally conceive and and I fell pregnant shortly after and were pregnant during this conversation and hadn’t told yet?

There are some subjects you should never bring up to a friend or co-worker who has lost a child. If we wanted to talk to you about it, we would bring it up. But the notion of adopting, trying to conceive after a loss, getting pregnant, or asking if they are pregnant are subject to avoid, UNLESS brought up by that mother. It can be very hurtful, no matter where you are in the process, or if you WILL ever be back in the process.

And maybe I took everything out of context, and that isn’t what they meant at all. Maybe they were meaning something completely different, and I misunderstood., but that is a factor as well. You don’t know how a bereaved mother will take your comments, or in what context. We are grieving, and will be for the rest of our lives. It is best to just keep those questions to yourself.

I hope this post does not offend anyone. I do not mean it to. And, some woman may be perfectly fine with this conversation and have no problem. Each of us is different.


7 thoughts on “None of your Business

  1. I agree 100%. People try to tell me all the time what I should do. They don’t know all I have done, all the dr appts and tests, all the research… And I hate the “just adopt” statement. Do people not understand that you can’t walk into a store and just choose a baby like you pick out a doll? There is so much heartbreak in every avenue we can try to do… Time, failures, questions we don’t have answers to. While I try to caution myself when people do this that they just don’t know, they don’t have all the information, and they just are trying to help – I wish they would remain silent. I’ll bring it up if I want to talk about. You were not being too sensitive; I would have walked away, too. <3.

  2. Sometimes the most intelligent people are the most socially ignorant. Your choice is just…your choice to try again, to adopt and most importantly your story to tell or to hold inward. God bless you.

  3. People sometimes should just butt out. I had a similar experience where someone I worked with, whose daughter lost a baby herself over 20 years ago started on me to adopt as thats what her daughter did. I said we had no plans to adopt and she put the biggest guilt trip on me. Saying oh but there are so many children who desperately need a home. I ended up crying my eyes out. People assume it is some sort of magic solution that will take away your pain. Hope u feel a bit better now.

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