If you are an avid follower, you may have noticed I am not blogging daily as I once was. This is actually a conscience decision. I was blogging daily, and if I missed a day, I almost had a mini-panic attack. It became a weird addiction to me. If I didn’t blog, I felt like I was forgetting my girls, like the pain was subsiding.
I realized this wasn’t healthy, and neither was writing the daily letters to the girls. So, I have tapered off on the blogging, trying to focus more on other things. I can’t let this consume my life entirely, or I will never be able to live my life. I have to do this FOR my girls. I quit writing to them daily as well. I have a month between my last letters to them. I love them more than life itself, but I can’t live like that anymore. The guilt and pain of not writing everyday. It is not healthy. I know it is not.
Blogging has been immensely therapeutic, but has also caused some new different issues in ways. I have started to follow several other bloggers that have lost their children. Some are on a better path than myself, some the same, and even some on a much darker path. It honestly scares me to read some of those who are farther along in their journey, who are still very dark. I realized I didn’t want to be like that, even if my mind and body did. I owe it to my girls to live my life better than that, not to forget them, but to live my life to the fullest. For some reason, my life was spared and not theirs. I’ve spent days and nights praying and asking why I couldn’t have died on that ER table instead of them. Praying for answers I will never get.
Then, I read blogs of people who are inspiring. Who still have the pain and questions, but know that they too must go on and honor their child. There is one blogger I follow who lost her daughter, Avalon. When I think of my girls, dancing and laying around now, I can see Avalon with them. The three of them laughing , giggling, and dancing, chasing fireflies in the mist somewhere magical. Knowing they have a friend with them has made it easier in a way. Knowing they are not alone.