A Bereaved Father’s Day

We decided to spend Father’s Day at my mom’s house this year. James wanted to keep busy working, and not dwell too much on the fact that his first Father’s Day would be spent grieving the loss of our only children.

We also chose my mom’s because my father passed away years ago, and my grandfather (my mom’s dad) passed away a few years ago as well. Father’s Day would be hard on my mother as well. Missing her husband, her father, and her grand kids.

All went well. Then we drove back home. At around 10:30 I got really tired and went to bed. James, a few minutes later, crawled in beside me, pulled me in tight and finally let loose. He held me and shook and cried.

Of course, I did too. It was so hard on me too. Knowing my body is why he can’t be celebrating right now with two amazingly beautiful twin daughters.

I apologized over and over again and cried in his arms with him. It’s insanely hard knowing you caused someone you love so much pain.


2 thoughts on “A Bereaved Father’s Day

  1. The six month point always seems to be tough and fathers day on top was tough for both of you. I am glad you can comfort each other. Please don’t blame yourself or your body for what happened to your girls. It wasn’t your fault. Here for you. Xx

  2. My wish for you is that you stop blaming yourself; it’s not your fault though God knows it’s hard to tell yourself that. I’d mentioned in my blog that Phil had a doctor-friend read Philip’s autopsy. He said there was no way my son died of an overdose, that he probably had an undetectable heart condition or something. True or not, all that did was make me feel like I made a kid whose body was defective, that it was my fault that Philip was dead. It didn’t matter how many people said I had no control over that. Philip came from my body, it had to be my fault. Months and months and months I cried over this. All I did was make myself feel worse about what had already happened instead of trying to live with the fact that it did.

    I wish peace for you, I’m sending thoughts, prayers and blessings your way. I can’t know exactly what you’re suffering but I know we’re suffering about the same kind of brutal loss.

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