Gravesite Guilt

I’ve had a lot of guilt associated with the twins’ gravesides lately. I still don’t have headstones for them and it’s been over 7 months. To be honest, I feel like once that is done…. It’s done. It’s real.

On top of that, I still don’t know if I want two separate headstones or one bigger one for them. The graves are side by side, so either is possible. I just don’t know. I don’t want to decide either. Right now they have marble markers with their first an last name and December 2012 on each of them. I want those at home eventually though. In the memorial garden.

I just can’t bring myself to go headstone shopping, you know? It will be the one and only thing I can ever do for them. What if I choose wrong an dot like it?

Then, I am filled with guilt at not going out as often as I should. I just break down so hard every time I do. I make sure to decorate for every little holiday, but sometimes I just can’t hold it together.

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5 thoughts on “Gravesite Guilt

  1. I feel guilty as well. I don’t have their stone either yet. I can barely work on their memorial garden either for that reason of it being real and done. I hope that you will find your strength.

  2. That was hard for us, too.
    Our stone was donated by a member of our church. We only knew that it was provided at cost. When we started shopping (and the monument person turned out to be the member’s son), we realized that we were actually talking about a gift.

    As far as a mistake, though, you really can’t make one. You’ll love the stone because it represents the twins. Don’t beat yourself up over that đŸ™‚

    Now, if anyone knows what to do at the grave visit, I still don’t have a single clue.

  3. Grief conjures guilt, and round and round it goes. We found out Philip died on February 23rd, because that’s when his friends found him. He actually died on on February 22nd. The death certificate reads 2/23. Do you know how much I go round with this, how I angst about what to say when asked when he died? I’m just saying it’s our grief that’s making us crazy. And why shouldn’t it? What worse thing can happen to a mother?

    Sending thoughts your way today; as I know I’ve said before, so very sorry you’re going through this. It’s beyond wrenching.

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