I’ve had a lot of guilt associated with the twins’ gravesides lately. I still don’t have headstones for them and it’s been over 7 months. To be honest, I feel like once that is done…. It’s done. It’s real.
On top of that, I still don’t know if I want two separate headstones or one bigger one for them. The graves are side by side, so either is possible. I just don’t know. I don’t want to decide either. Right now they have marble markers with their first an last name and December 2012 on each of them. I want those at home eventually though. In the memorial garden.
I just can’t bring myself to go headstone shopping, you know? It will be the one and only thing I can ever do for them. What if I choose wrong an dot like it?
Then, I am filled with guilt at not going out as often as I should. I just break down so hard every time I do. I make sure to decorate for every little holiday, but sometimes I just can’t hold it together.