I’m trying

I’m trying really hard to paint and put on my mask as Christmas quickly creeps up on me. It’s so hard for everyone to understand why Christmas is not a joyous holiday for me. I remember last Christmas (just days after I buried Hazel and a week more after burying Willow) having my family tell younger nieces and nephews I was sick. That’s why I was acting like that. Why I wasn’t happy and laughing and wanting to be a part of the celebrating.

I wanted to scream, “I’m not sick. My children died.”

Even though we just passed the one year milestones, Christmas still brings up all those memories for me. I’m sure it always will too. I am thankful for my time with my daughters, but I want to be selfish. I want more time. I want infinite time. Something I can never have. I want to be caught in a perpetual time loop where I am with them always.

But I can’t. I must go forward. Not move on, as so many want me to, but just go forward. Everyone thinks this year will be different, that all will be better. It’s just not true. Nothing will ever bring Willow and Hazel back. No one will every replace them. I will have new joys in my life, but the sorrow will remain. The sorrow will make the joy that much better, and I will be more appreciative of it, but joy doesn’t ‘fix’ previous sorrow like it never happened.

It did happen. I will never forget. I will always love deeply, and he will know them.

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6 thoughts on “I’m trying

  1. I know what u mean. Now jesse is here I keep being told to move on. Yes I am blessed to have their sister but I want all three of them and many people just don’t get it. Sending hugs to help u through the holidays. Xx

  2. I’m so sorry they said you were sick, instead of acknowledging your loss.
    And I do believe you will have infinite time with them, one day, in heaven. This probably isn’t what you wanted – I’d so much rather have my daughters here with me, too. But it still gives me some comfort and hope to know that, one day, we will see them again.

  3. I felt the same for a long time. This is the first Christmas that I enjoyed. The third Christmas with out our little girl.
    You describe a lot of the emotions & thoughts I’d had gone through for a long time.
    What caught my attention was when you say you were caught in a perpetural time loop. For approximately 1.5 years I felt like I was still there, in August of 2011 when my baby was alive & when she was born. Like the world around me kept moving forward but I didn’t. This I’m told is extremely common.
    I wish for you nothing more than to feel like you can be at peace. It takes a long time & for some people longer than others. I remember the point when I started to enjoy life again & didn’t spend every day reviewing those five days she was alive & the day she died. It was about a year & half later that I started to move on. You’ll get there. You’ll move forward, you’ll move on. But it takes time. I was told it takes 5 plus years to accept the death of a baby. I am still not sure what the acceptance feels like. Some days I think I’ve accepted it but then I have moments when I am angry & think I haven’t yet. It’s such a confusing place to be.

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