Reflections

“Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to” (1 Corinthians 7:24)

This passage makes its way through my head sometimes after the girls passed away. Now, do I believe that God called me to a situation where he was going to kill my daughters? No. I don’t take it in that literal of a sense. This scripture wasn’t written to my exact existence, it is merely a reference.

There were so many times when I wanted to end my life after my daughters died. What was the point? A childless mother that is. There’s no word for what a mother like this is called. Here is a quote from Six Feet Under:

You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you’re called a widow, or a widower. If you’re a child and you lose your parents, then you’re an orphan. But what’s the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that’s just too fucking awful to even have a name.”

I think back to these quotes and scriptures in those darkest of hours, when I was still fresh in my grief. Those dark days soon after when I wanted to kill myself when my husband was at work, but I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t. I had plenty of opportunity to.

Now, do I think God purposely killed my daughters to see if I would remain in the situation He called me for? No. Absolutely not. I don’t think God works like that. Most people believe that He has a very active roll in exactly what happens day to day. Why you poured Cheerios instead of Fruit Loops this morning. I don’t think He works like that.

Could He have saved my daughters from dying? Absolutely. But how could be chose my daughters over my friend’s kids and so on? He can’t. I came to this realization after a friend posted something similar to this in a support group.

[God, can make those kinds of decisions, but He generally doesn’t. Does He miraculously save people sometimes, yes, but it is rare. Imagine you had 10 children and a man walked up to you with a gun. He says you have to choose one of them to die in order to save the rest. If you didn’t He would kill all of them. One or none. How could you make that decision. I know I couldn’t. Well, now think of this in terms of God. We, all of us here on earth, are His children. How can He choose one of us over the other. He loves us all and forgives us all. He simply cannot choose to love one of us more than another. So, He steps back and lets ‘fate’ if you will steer for the most part except in places where He feels a great need to intervene.]

Maybe I wasn’t exactly ‘called’ to this life, but it is the one I was dealt. I remained in it. I followed my path. **Triggers** If I would have chosen to end my life, there would have been two more children die that day at least. My mother’s child, me, and my son. Dexter would never have been born. He would not exist. I say this as I look at my beautifully sleeping 8 day old son. If I would have ended my life, I would have ended his as well. I couldn’t imagine loosing not only my daughters, but my son as well.

So, next time you hit one of those extremely dark days where it seems there is no other way… Think of the life that could possibly yet to be, waiting to call you Mommy or Daddy.

I am the mother of three, and parent of one. I am a survivor.

xoxo

 

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