Some nights I wish

I’m starting to fall into deeper sleeps now again. James has taken over most responsibility at the house, so I can sleep again.

Sleep brings a mix of nightmare and dreams of the dead.

I dream of my father and my daughters. Sometimes I know they are dead in the dreams and I know my father is taking care of them. Other times, it’s like it never happened an we are a big happy family.

Sometimes I cry, and wake up in a panic. Panicked that my new reality and blessings are over. That they were all a dream too. That what makes my life worth living again was all a dream.

I wonder how much more my heart can take. Literally. My heart feels weird all the time. Like it is physically heavy and partially restrained. The same feeling I get if I haven’t slept in days and used caffeine to keep me awake.

After my most recent surgery (almost 15 weeks ago) I had to go to the ER for high BP. 220/119. While there they did and EKG and found something. They think I may have a heart murmur. I was supposed to go get it checked out, but I haven’t been back. I don’t have a GP and they wait is months.

I’ve had it all my life if I do have it. I was told when I was 18 they thought they heard one. I don’t want any more hospital stays or bills. We just can’t afford it right now. My husband lost his job and we owe more than $10,000 out of pocket in medical expenses. Between my surgery, the remaining NICU bills for the twins, the 2 ER visits this year, bloodwork, infertility treatments, and my long hospital stay last year, I’m not going to add anything else to the pot. We are already paying bills with credit cards until we can get back on our feet.

I figure, if I’ve had it for 11 years, then I can have it for a couple more. *shrug*

Thanks for the vent.

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