It seemed impossible. Something that couldn’t happen. Getting back to life after loss that is. My world seemed to stand still. It didn’t move forward. My life was formed by a great divide. Everything was in two categories, memories, thoughts, life. The before and after. I used to think that the great divide was infertility. Before I found out I could not have children naturally, and after. But, that became null and void when my daughters died. Everything became before and after Willow and Hazel.
Then, my world became hinged on trying again. Do I risk the life of another child just because I want to have a living child? Will an FET work? Will I miscarry? Will my water break early again? Will I carry to term? Can I carry to term? Do I get a cerclage? Pre-pregnancy or during pregnancy? Do I have IC? Do I transfer 2 or do a SET? These questions consumed my life.
Then, there I stood in front of my husband bawling at the uncertainty of it all holding a little stick with 2 pink lines. It worked. Then the monstrous paranoia began to set in. I had a horribly stressful pregnancy. I had already been a part of the 1%. The odds were not in my favor. Then, it got worse. I lost an embryo. I miscarried him/her. It was just a matter of time before I lost the other. But, he miraculously clung on.
When we announced that I was pregnant, it was strongly suggested I leave the past in the past and not use this blog so much. I had so much to be grateful for it was unfair to my son that I still cling to my daughters. So, I transitioned my twitter account into a contesting forum. But, I found out that continuing to write here, I felt some sort of relief from my paranoia. A small gift from my daughters possibly? So, I started a separate blog to write of my paranoia about pregnancy, so that I could keep this blog a separate life and not have to worry about hurting those fresh in grief.
I delivered my rainbow son safely in December the day after Christmas. Then a whole new paranoia set in. I am constantly paranoid he will die. I take video and picture after picture to document everything just in case it is all I will have left of him.
Today I converted my twitter account back into a grief outlet. But, I fear that I have lost all of my followers now. My chance to help someone there has gone out the window. I should have never listened when I was told to quite vocalizing my feelings about loss.
Please share this blog with those you know who have experienced child loss and/or infertility. You never know when one of the posts will strike a chord with someone. If you wish to read about my rainbow pregnancy and continuing paranoia, please send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will send you the link.