“The time has come, ” the Walrus said

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright–
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

-Lewis Carroll

Sometimes, I feel as though I am trying to shine with all my might at the wrong times. I have put this mask on, and sometimes forget when it is ok to be dark.


What is this really? Who decides when something is appropriate or not? Society? In general, I have found that society only deems things appropriate or not, when they haven’t been there themselves. I’m not only talking of child loss here, but almost everything in general. But, since this is a blog about grief and life after loss, let’s go there

What is the appropriate

  • grieving time?
  • answer when asked about children?
  • way to answer any questions regarding loss?
  • way to respond when a friend/family member/loved one has lost a child (or anyone important to them)?

I can sit here and write posts about what to say, what to do, what to anything, but they won’t fit everyone. Grief is complex. It can’t be mapped (no matter what anyone tells you), it can’t be studied fully. What is right to say to one person, isn’t right to say to another. Sometimes it it just best to stick with, “I’m sorry.” Which also, doesn’t fit all the time. I know I hated to hear, “I’m sorry,” but it was much better than some of the alternative things I would hear like, “That’s a bad deal.” Really?!? My children died and that’s what you write on the card? But, maybe that’s what would comfort that person if such an event every happened to them.

So, where am I going with this.

Grief sucks. period.

No two people are alike, and one standard answer can’t fit everyone no matter how ‘appropriate’ it has been deemed by society.


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