Jealous Bug

**Triggers Mentioned**

Proverbs 14:30 A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.

I’ve been bit, and it is painful and annoying all at the same time. I know it sounds petty, but I am always jealous when someone has a child ‘naturally,’ especially when it is someone on my IVF boards. It is the ONLY time I am jealous of another loss mom getting pregnant too. Now, this is not to say I am not thrilled for them, but there is always at least a tad bit of jealousy there. 

I always read posts of women DTD between cycles and hoping to catch an egg before their next treatment. Sometimes I feel like it shouldn’t be asked or said on infertility boards. By all means, please do it, but don’t post about it on a board where there are some members who have no chance in hell of every conceiving naturally. I’m happy they don’t have to go through the pain and money of IVF when they do catch it, but it still hurts to some of us.

My Facts:

  • I tried to get pregnant for 6 years
  • We never used condoms or BCPs since the day we were married
  • I began to chart and use OPKs a year and a half after getting married
  • I have done 7 rounds of Clomid
  • I have done 2 rounds of Femara
  • I have done one of those rounds with injectables
  • I have done IUI
  • I have had an HSG that let us know I have one completely blocked tube that is sealed shut. 
  • I have had Lap surgery done to reveal that I have one ovary that doesn’t release eggs even when stimmed to.
  • The open tube is attached to the ovary that doesn’t release eggs (go figure)
  • I have done 1 round of fresh IVF
  • I have done 1 FET
  • I have had a surgery to remove my only good tube due to a mass
  • I have PCOS
  • I have Endo
  • My reproductive organs are highly scarred, and my RE is surprised IVF even worked for me
  • My RE gave me a 0% chance of every conceiving naturally. He said I am one of the few he doesn’t at least give a 1% chance to. 

I am tired of hearing

  • Miracles happen
  • It doesn’t hurt to try
  • My friend’s sister’s hairstylist’s cousin’s half brother’s wife was exactly the same as you and got pregnant naturally after a vacation to [insert relaxing vacation here] 

I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I am. I know *I* have things others are probably jealous of (at least a little bit if not majorly)

  • Dex
  • my job,
  • The ability to have good enough credit to take out a personal loan (that we will pay $279/mon on for over 3 years)
  • The fact that our insurance helped and paid for a portion of the meds for IVF
  • My IVF worked on my first fresh cycle (even if it did end in the deaths of both of my daughters)
  • My first FET worked
  • I have 2 frosties waiting for me
  • I can save enough to do another FET if I ever gain the strength and courage needed to try aga

I hate being jealous, but I can’t help myself….


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