Still the pain

Contains **Triggers**

After over 2 years and a rainbow of my own, I still get a sinking pain when a friend announces their pregnancy or shows that first picture. I see my friends easily building their families with no worries. 

I love my daughters and I love my son. I have three beautiful children, but with only one here on earth I still feel like my family is incomplete. I know that this feeling will always be here because my daughters died. But, I wish all this wasn’t mixed with infertility. Even if I want more living children without the fear of them dying, I have one more shot. That’s it. That’s all she wrote. Anyone who has done IVF knows that that means about a 30% it will work. 

All my eggs will be in one basket, literally. That last FET will be about $5k+. A fresh cycle is out of the question. Please, don’t preach to be about adoption unless you have done it yourself and know that if you can’t afford to do another fresh cycle, you probably can’t afford to adopt either. 

The most my living family could ever be is 2 children. 

That is a sinking feeling. I never wanted a large family or anything, it’s just the thought that I know ahead of time. Even if that 30% falls in my favor, 2 is it. More than likely, 1. Dex will not grow up with living siblings, and it is all my fault. My body’s fault. 

Sorry for all the doom and gloom, but tonight I had a weird twinge in my lower stomach. It felt just like the first kick. I started crying at the horrible betrayal of my body….


6 thoughts on “Still the pain

  1. I totally feel the same. I don’t have desires for more children but having gone through a loss & then having infertility makes it difficult to swallow just how easy women around me can and do become pregnant and then how they never had to think about or worry about whether or not their baby would die.
    Even though I didn’t want more children, it’s difficult to process at times that as a woman – primal purpose – I failed and continue to fail as long as I cannot become pregnant unless I go through an expensive and invasive procedure.
    We don’t want another child so, having permanent birth control (no tubes) seems convenient but I can’t help but feel a little less like a woman.

  2. Adoption is no suggestion to “cure” the sorrow of knowing you can’t have more biological children. And you’re right… straight up adopting is just as if not more expensive than fertility treatments and IVF. BUT if you still feel in your heart that you want to mother more children, foster care is very rewarding and can result in adoption. Adopting M did not cost me more than $215, and they paid me a stipend of course up until the adoption was complete.

    • Thank you. We have considered Foster care. I know they are in need around our area. There is a little girl in Dex’s class that is in foster care with her foster mom. She was supposed to adopt her in Jan. but some aunt came forward that hadn’t before (A is 17m) so it has been delayed. I just worry I would foster and fall in love, then someone come forward. 😦 But then to give a stable home for even a little bit to a child who needs it… I’m so torn! Biological honestly doesn’t matter to me. For some it might, but biology doesn’t make love. That little face does. To be honest I know nothing about Foster care, but I was *told* by someone we wouldn’t be able to do with with all our indoor pets. 😦 if that is untrue, then fostering is defiantly an open option with us πŸ™‚ Any resource suggestions??

      • With indoor pets?! That’s weird… as long as a vet can sign that your pets have all their necessary vaccinations and are healthy, it should be fine. Are they wild animals or something?!?

        You should get a list of agencies in your area. Every county has a DHS department, and you can become licensed directly through them. Most counties also have one or more private agencies. The nice thing about an agency is that there are fewer workers so you get more personalized attention. Sometimes they take care of more of the paperwork and stuff for you. I decided to use an agency because they seemed so much more personable.

        This is getting long… tell ya what, I’ll make a post about it for you!

      • Thank you! It might have just been snide comments toward us from non-cat people. We have 6 indoor cats, and at the time, had 8 parakeets and 2 turtles. We no longer have the turtles or parakeets, but may be getting a ferret. Haha. Not to mention our mini farm outside πŸ™‚ My husband runs a pet store, so we end up with animals for lengths of time. We would have to do the vet thing. Good to know. (Yes they are vaccinated, but through clinics at his store. They are free for management as incentives.)

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