Another missed day

*Trigger/MENTS*

I’ve been Moody and emotional all week. I know I have. I’ve tried to hide it, but I haven’t done the best job. It’s all lead up to today. Today I watched the yellow school bus go down our road past our house without a hesitation. Pre-K doesn’t start until next week, but still, that bus should be stopping at our house for the first time today. But it isn’t.

I should have two little anxious girls waiting to get on for their first day if kindergarten. Willow would have a bow in her hair. I can see a Shopkins shirt, a cute little skirt, and the silver legging she begged for with her ballet flats. Her over sized backpack bouncing with her excitement.

Hazel would have a short hair style like mine. She’s more of a wild child Tomboy. She’d have on a pair of basketball shorts and an Adidas tee with her light up sketchers. Her toes would be digging in the rocks waiting for the bus. Hazel would be giving Willow the side eye for talking the whole time not shutting up about their first day.

Instead, I have silence. Deafening silence. No children waiting on the bus today. In a week there should be 3 backpacks hung by the door, not just one.

They aren’t here, but I can see them. I didn’t get to have them with me long, but in that short time their personalities bloomed and shined brightly. So bright I can still see the faint light and make out the silhouettes of their absence in my life.

I can see them every day in their little brother, so strong willed and ready for anything. I’m thankful for that.

Thank you for contacting me this weekend my friend, you know who you are. You should have a little boy starting with my girls and you can feel the string tugging at your heart too. The other end tied to little fingers you will never forget. I love you, and thank you for always remembering too.

So if you see me silently shedding a tear this week, know it’s becsuse it’s just yet another first I’ll miss… and it won’t be the last.

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