Songs

I am really big into playlists for my moods and I can get stuck on a certain genre for long periods of time and miss some really good songs until much later. That being said, a friend of mine posted something similar on Facebook and then asked for song suggestions. So, I did the same and would like to spread it to here. The audience of this blog is much wider and hopefully reach more people than my FB page set to private.

Blogging community, what is one song you would recommend that I listen to? I only ask a couple of things;

• Name specific songs, not artists.
• It can be ANY genre of music
• I would prefer songs without every other word to be swearing.
  • I have no problem with swearing, I just don’t like songs that have a string of curse words for no reason

Other than that, have fun and let the suggestions come pouring in. I will make a playlist and listen to EVERY song all the way through. Who knows, maybe I will find some new favorites. I will post the public youtube playlist when this has settled down.

Donation for Bereaved Mother’s Day

Waiting for Happiness Keepsakes (www.facebook.com/waitingforhappinesskeepsakes) will be donating a custom rice name necklace (up to two grains of rice) for Bereaved Mother’s Day at Julianne Palmer Withers’ Facebook Page. Flowers can be provided by WHK or can be shipped from the winner to include preserved funeral flowers.  WHK was started in honor of Willow Anne Roark & Hazel Jaymes Roark born at nearly 27 weeks due to pPROM and lost after a battle in the NICU in December 2012. Money made from the sale of items on their Facebook site is used to help buy items for Angel Memory Boxes for Project Sweet Peas’ (www.projectsweetpeas.com, www.facebook.com/Forevermysweetpea) chaper Avi’s Embrace (www.facebook.com/AvisEmbrace). Owner, and mother, Krystal Roark details her journey through grief and healing at mommyoftwinangels.wordpress.com

 

Support

A good support network is a must. Many avoid it after the loss of their child thinking they don’t need it. But really, it was a key player in my process. I didn’t want it and I didn’t think I needed it, but I joined the Facebook pPROM loss group anyway.

I don’t know where I would be without my pPROM Angel Mommas and their support and understanding. They have been so amazing.

Finding a group that had a similar story is key. Yes, all child loss is devastating and heartbreaking, but finding those people that have a similar story gives you a deeper connection and understanding. I don’t understand what it is like to have a stillborn child, or lose a child after 3 years of life with them, or never getting to meet my child. I understand what it is like to lose a child, yes, but early in grief we can tend to lose focus and fact that child loss is just that… Child loss. No matter the age or circumstance.

You just want someone who understands. Who knows exactly where you have been. It seems easier that way. Further along in grief, you can connect with anyone who has lost a child, but those first couple of months grief plays tricks with your emotions and mind and hurtful things can be said.

A mother recently reached out to me. She lost her daughter after being stillborn. She is grieving heavily. I tried to calm her and tell her to just try and get through each minute. Do her best. She lashed out at me saying, “You couldn’t possibly understand. I have other children that need me. You don’t have any children. You can do that. So you are saying I should just get over the death of my child?”

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I do have children. Two. And mothering them is the hardest thing I have ever done. It’s hard as hell to be a mother to children in Heaven. But, I had to remind myself she is fresh in grief. She doesn’t always know what she is saying.

Grief is hard, it sucks, and it is unpredictable. Just do what you can, when you can.

Considerate Friends

When you lose a child (or in my case children), especially your only children, you really learn quickly who your true friends are. They comfort you during bed rest, give you hope while knowing the odds, and are just there for you. They check in on you from time to time after the rush of ‘I’m sorry’s’ and check-ins are over. They also take your feelings into consideration when they have news to share.

I wanted to share a message I received yesterday. I have left parts out to help with anonymity. I wanted to share, because she handled this in a very delicate and personal way. She took my feelings into consideration, even over her own joy of more than likely wanting to shout it from the rooftops and making that first FB post.

I wish more of our friends were like her, and how considerate she was.

Her message:

***************

Sensitive News…

Hey. I’ve kind of wavered on how to tell you and I’ve honestly still not figured it out. I’m pregnant ***************** It’s definitely an odd mix of exciting and terrifying. I didn’t want to call you and put you on the spot or in a position where you felt like you needed to act happy for me, and unfortunately I don’t have your email address, so I’m stuck with FB. I completely understand if you don’t want to talk or anything for awhile. Let me know if I can do anything for you.

A Friend

***************

I wish more of my friends were as considerate as her. I recently just found out a friend was pregnant with twins through a FB announcement. I cried for days. It felt like a slap to the face to be honest. But this, this was perfect for me.  I know many BLM’s on here get mad at emails and prefer calls, but for me personally this was perfect. I didn’t have to have that initial shock of silence, there was no awkward silence for her either. Just her doing this, tells me how hard it was for her to tell me.

And that my fellow moms, is how you tell who a true friend is 🙂 I wish her all the best, and a smooth uneventful pregnancy. I know I will worry enough for her!

PAIL

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Wanting so badly to be a mother to children on earth, wanting to hold my children more than 1 time, wanting to kiss them and feel their warmth against my skin.

I can see myself just watching a baby breathe, if I ever get to that. Watching the miracle of their little chest rise and fall softly all on their own.

So many take pregnancy for granted. Wanting it over because it becomes ‘hard’ or ‘tiresome.’ On my pPROM support group two things were recently posted. Screen shots of FB pages with the names blocked out.

1: A Picture from someone’s Baby Gaga account that says: I am 4 weeks old!

Wow. To be that naive. To post on FB that you are 4 weeks pregnant, to post before the urine on the HPT is dry. I envy and pity that person at the same time.

2: Another FB post by a friend of one of the loss moms wrote this on her FB page: “I’m 30 wks today, expected tp deliver by 37wks by c section. I want this over 😦 my back hurts so bad right now I can’t stand the thought of 7 more wks of misery… i have never felt liek this before in past pregnancies, im just fed up…”

You can imagine the responses the friend got on our support page. What any one of us would have given to even make it to 30 weeks gestation.

I know one day it will happen for me, and it will be a VERY long 40 weeks. I will be scared every second of it, afraid to lose that little life growing inside of me, afraid of failing again. I will not take it for granted, but I am also afraid I will not be able to enjoy it as well.

 

Unbaby.me

http://unbaby.me

Unbaby.me. What is it? It is “A Chrome extension that removes babies from your [Facebook] newsfeed and replaces them with awesome stuff.” I have read thinks like kittens.

I found this today, and honestly thought about it. I have seen all of the horrible reviews from those you have obviously never lost a child saying things like:

Unbaby me? Unfriend me instead.

You can’t handle seeing pictures of my child, grow up.

You are a sick person if you hide pictures of my baby.

Just because you can’t have a baby, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t or shouldn’t show off mine

The list ‘stomach churningly’ goes on. I love my friends, and want to keep up in their news, but after 6 posts a day of ‘look at this face,’ or similar, it really begins to hurt. I AM happy for them, I am happy their baby didn’t die, I am grateful they don’t have to live this life, or understand the pain that goes along with seeing a smiling, living baby.

But please, don’t judge other’s grief until you have walked in their shoes. As for me, I may give this a go. That way I don’t have to be haunted with the ‘my babies should be that age and doing thats’ that come along with seeing your baby, but can still be a part of your life.

I don’t want to block you. I want to be able to see your babies, I honestly do. I wish I could right now, but for now, don’t judge me.

If you lost an arm

I read this today during my lunch break (now actually) and had to go to the bathroom to cry my eyes out for a bit. I found it so true that it resonated through to my soul.

Silent Grief –  Child Loss Support  (Found on Facebook)

If you lost an arm or a leg, people would notice and would be asking you all of the time how you’re getting along.  I doubt they’d tell you to just get over it, move on, and “God needed one more arm or leg in heaven so he took yours.”  Why can’t people “see” when child loss occurs that a large part of our heart has been cut off — half of our heart is missing!  If only others would acknowledge that, and sincerely ask, “How are you doing?  I’ve been thinking about you so much, and hurt with you.”  Just validating the loss of our child would mean so much!  We don’t need criticisms, judgements, or lectures on how fast we should be moving on.  Just show some genuine love and care — that would go a long way with parents of child loss!