This post is different from my normal posts. It isn’t about my grief and it really doesn’t have anything to do with it. It’s just about me.
I have been struggling pretty badly with feelings of adequacy. I know I need to address them, but when I’ve tried I always get brushed off.
It feels like all my friends from HS have made something of their lives. They’ve made a difference. They are pursuing their dreams and getting doctorates. Things I will never have. Jealousy maybe? They can expand their families without having to spend $10k for just a small chance.
I had to put my dreams of a doctorate to rest 4 years ago. If I wanted a family, I could never pursue that dream. I’m not saying that those with a doctorate can’t have a family, I’m sayin WE couldn’t afford both. Period. It was either go to school, or do IVF. Not both. Period. I would like to add that I regret nothing. I would do it all over again in an instant, but it does leave me feeling inadequate.
I’m not as smart at they are, I’m not published, I haven’t made some big profound difference in the world, hell, I can’t even get my photography or crafting business off the ground. It all leaves me feeling like a failure. I can’t even get drunk and end up pregnant. I can’t even try and get pregnant. I have to spend months prepping, and go to a sterile OR for even a 30% chance.
I know a lot of it comes from going to HS where I did. I left home at 16 to attend the Indiana Academy for Science, Mathematics, and Humanities. Though, I think there was a slight name change? Think of being 16, going to live in the dorms at a college, and being surrounded by the smartest 100-150 kids in your state. I went from being one of the smartest kids at my school to just being average or below at that school. BUT, it prepared me for so much in life and academics. It changed my views on the world. I loved every second of it (after the first 2 weeks when I called begging to go home… I hadn’t made friends yet and not being an absolute genius I was being made fun of).
So, you can imagine that most of my graduating class are now doctors, lawyers, in politics, own businesses, speak multiple languages, or pursuing higher degrees and being all around top rate citizens. Then, there is me. I didn’t go to my 10 year reunion. You see why?
It feels like every little piece of something I can call my own, gets taken away. Even my losses. Recently someone very close to me, my sister, lost her son. It devastated the whole family over again. Including me. Now, I even have to shares my losses and grief with someone. They can’t be ‘mine.’ When I grieve my daughters, I have to make room and grieve my nephew. Those days can’t just be about my daughters anymore.
I know that may sound horrible, but it’s how I feel. I still grieve my nephew and celebrate his life. I know the pain my sister is going through and I wish she didn’t have to know it. I don’t want her or any one else in my family to stop sharing his story, or celebrating his life. I don’t want my sister or anyone else to shy away from all this. That is NOT what I want. I don’t want them to feel bad for celebrating my daughters or her son.
I’ve always remembered all my online friends’ losses with my daughters, so I don’t know why this is any different.
Anyway, I know this post has been all over the place. I know it is depressing and weird. I’m not looking for sympathy or ‘back patting.’ I just needed to get those feelings out. I needed to write them down. Blogging has always been very therapeutic for me.
Now for a cookie :)