“Suffering Olympics”

I’ve been reading When Empty Arms Become A Heavy Burden By Sandra Glahn & William Cutrer, MD. It was a gift from a very special friend. At first I can honestly say I didn’t want to read the book. I KNEW I was infertile, and I KNEW I lost my children. How could this book help me? But it has, it tremendous ways. There are even several chapters that don’t actually fit my circumstance, but they too have helped me in other aspects of my life. I’ve had questions that I never had the courage or resources to ask, that were answered for me. But enough about that, on to my point…

There is a chapter in the book about the “Suffering Olympics” that infertility couples seems to go through. Where everyone tries to make you feel better by “one up-ing” you with their experience(s). I have been taking a lot of the book for its infertility help, but also applying it to the loss of Willow & Hazel. Luckily, I have only had one instance of “One upping” with the loss of my girls. An instance of, ‘I’m sorry what happened to your girls, but this happened to me. See it could have been worse. I was devastated by what happened to me. You were lucky with how you lost your girls.’ Those were not exact words, but it was approached that way.

I was so mad and angry at this person. No part of what happened to James and I was lucky. We both lost our children. Don’t you see that, this is not a competition to see who has suffered more. We have both suffered enough. Neither instance should have EVER happened. I hope you can see that (well theoretically I say this, they do not read my blog).

I’m sorry you feel you must make this a competition. There is no ‘lucky’ or ‘better way’ for a child to die. I hope you find your peace soon.

20 things that babyloss moms do that feel crazy but aren’t

An excellent Article written by Kristi Bothur. It speaks volumes to our every day lives as Baby loss moms
http://thissideofheaven.weebly.com/home/20-things-that-babyloss-moms-do-that-feel-crazy-but-arent

Edit: I was asked by the author to take down the article in its whole and Instead direct you to the above link.

Capture your Grief – Day 6: Books

Day 6: Books ‪

I have always loved books. I would get lost in their words and let myself fall into their story. What I didn’t know, was that one day I would need them. I would need to read their words to survive. I would consume them one after another, praying for answers, and ultimately being saved.

I began searching with all of my might, the internet, scripture, book after book, everything, trying to find answers to questions I didn’t even know to ask let alone if they existed.

I began taking notes, feverishly writing down page numbers, marking pages, flipping from book to boom. Reading and rereading over and over again. I found myself submerged in the writings of those who had survived. My books became precious to me. Some I were given as gifts, some I bought on my own.

Words written by others somehow flowed out of my heart and onto the pages. Somehow, someone else, knew my troubles. ‪#‎Captureyourgrief‬

The moments that catch you off your guard

I try to explain how those simple little moments catch you off your guard, and I have always had a hard time describing them. Today at work, I am listening to music while getting some work done editing manuals. Then, I hear a familiar song I have listened to a million times in a new light. Tears stream down my face. Perfectly said….

A catch in my throat – choke
Torn into pieces
I won’t, no!
I don’t wanna be this…

SLIPKNOT: VERMILION PT 2

Dreams and Reality

***Triggers/Ments***

Sometimes, right before sleep, I like to let myself get right on the brink of dreams and reality. That place where you have one foot in the conscience reality of today and one foot in the dreamscape. It is here where I let my mind live in a place where my dad is teasing Dexter making him mad, while I hear two giggling girls running down the hallway. It’s these semi-conscience perfect realities that make me not want to come back, but I always do. Because this reality could never exist, not in any parallel universe or alternate realty. Why? Because if Willow and Hazel are alive, Dexter cannot exist and for Dexter to exist, Willow and Hazel have to die. To want one is to deny the other and as a mother how can you choose? I can’t.

This is the same notion I choose to believe God plays. He doesn’t choose who lives or dies. Yes, He has ultimate control, but we are all His children. How could He possibly choose or place one life above another? Simple. He doesn’t. He let’s life and death play out with very minimal intervention. Sorry for the deep thoughts/rant. It has been a very emotional couple of days and sleep deprivation is making me slightly hallucinate at night right before I fall asleep.

Things are getting better

Things seem to be calming down in my grief, but have been replaced by some whole new feelings that I talk about in my ***trigger*** rainbow blog. I can finally sit and think about the girls, their details, their personalities, everything really for a good while without crying. Don’t get me wrong, there are still major grief triggers that cause me to bawl my eyes out and choke, but as long as I am not caught off guard, I can have happy moments in my memories with the girls. I can think of Willow and Hazel and have a beaming smile. I have waited a long time for this. I really thought that day would never come. It only took almost 15 months.

15 months. Wow. I can’t believe it has been that long since the girls came into my life and left so quickly. I just know they are watching from somewhere else, giggling and playing.

“My love will find you wherever you are..”

Another perfect baby gone too soon

Recently very close friends of mine lost their perfect daughter, Gia. 10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes. Gone at 21 weeks. I have been crying for them for days. I hate that they know the pain many of us reading this post know. It’s unfair. I don’t want them to understand how we feel. They are an amazing and strong couple. They were there for me like no other when my girls died. They came to the funerals, called me, cried with me.

Why? Why them? I just pray that they are blessed with a rainbow. No, it won’t take the pain away and it won’t make things better, The rainbow won’t replace baby Gia, but this rainbow will make her a big sister.

Reflections

“Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to” (1 Corinthians 7:24)

This passage makes its way through my head sometimes after the girls passed away. Now, do I believe that God called me to a situation where he was going to kill my daughters? No. I don’t take it in that literal of a sense. This scripture wasn’t written to my exact existence, it is merely a reference.

There were so many times when I wanted to end my life after my daughters died. What was the point? A childless mother that is. There’s no word for what a mother like this is called. Here is a quote from Six Feet Under:

“You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you’re called a widow, or a widower. If you’re a child and you lose your parents, then you’re an orphan. But what’s the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that’s just too fucking awful to even have a name.”

I think back to these quotes and scriptures in those darkest of hours, when I was still fresh in my grief. Those dark days soon after when I wanted to kill myself when my husband was at work, but I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t. I had plenty of opportunity to.

Now, do I think God purposely killed my daughters to see if I would remain in the situation He called me for? No. Absolutely not. I don’t think God works like that. Most people believe that He has a very active roll in exactly what happens day to day. Why you poured Cheerios instead of Fruit Loops this morning. I don’t think He works like that.

Could He have saved my daughters from dying? Absolutely. But how could be chose my daughters over my friend’s kids and so on? He can’t. I came to this realization after a friend posted something similar to this in a support group.

[God, can make those kinds of decisions, but He generally doesn’t. Does He miraculously save people sometimes, yes, but it is rare. Imagine you had 10 children and a man walked up to you with a gun. He says you have to choose one of them to die in order to save the rest. If you didn’t He would kill all of them. One or none. How could you make that decision. I know I couldn’t. Well, now think of this in terms of God. We, all of us here on earth, are His children. How can He choose one of us over the other. He loves us all and forgives us all. He simply cannot choose to love one of us more than another. So, He steps back and lets ‘fate’ if you will steer for the most part except in places where He feels a great need to intervene.]

Maybe I wasn’t exactly ‘called’ to this life, but it is the one I was dealt. I remained in it. I followed my path. **Triggers** If I would have chosen to end my life, there would have been two more children die that day at least. My mother’s child, me, and my son. Dexter would never have been born. He would not exist. I say this as I look at my beautifully sleeping 8 day old son. If I would have ended my life, I would have ended his as well. I couldn’t imagine loosing not only my daughters, but my son as well.

So, next time you hit one of those extremely dark days where it seems there is no other way… Think of the life that could possibly yet to be, waiting to call you Mommy or Daddy.

I am the mother of three, and parent of one. I am a survivor.

xoxo

 

Another year without you

It feels so weird to bring in the new year without you again. I know you WERE there with your daddy and I, I just wish you could have been here physically with us too. We love and miss you more than words can say. Thank you for all that you have done for us this past year. You have graced our lives with hope, and a future. We must now brace ourselves for what comes next.

Love, hugs, and kisses,

Mommy

Simply put, and very true