In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, we decided to do something big this year. Please visit RoarkChallenge.wordpress.com for more info.
infantloss
“Suffering Olympics”
I’ve been reading When Empty Arms Become A Heavy Burden By Sandra Glahn & William Cutrer, MD. It was a gift from a very special friend. At first I can honestly say I didn’t want to read the book. I KNEW I was infertile, and I KNEW I lost my children. How could this book help me? But it has, it tremendous ways. There are even several chapters that don’t actually fit my circumstance, but they too have helped me in other aspects of my life. I’ve had questions that I never had the courage or resources to ask, that were answered for me. But enough about that, on to my point…
There is a chapter in the book about the “Suffering Olympics” that infertility couples seems to go through. Where everyone tries to make you feel better by “one up-ing” you with their experience(s). I have been taking a lot of the book for its infertility help, but also applying it to the loss of Willow & Hazel. Luckily, I have only had one instance of “One upping” with the loss of my girls. An instance of, ‘I’m sorry what happened to your girls, but this happened to me. See it could have been worse. I was devastated by what happened to me. You were lucky with how you lost your girls.’ Those were not exact words, but it was approached that way.
I was so mad and angry at this person. No part of what happened to James and I was lucky. We both lost our children. Don’t you see that, this is not a competition to see who has suffered more. We have both suffered enough. Neither instance should have EVER happened. I hope you can see that (well theoretically I say this, they do not read my blog).
I’m sorry you feel you must make this a competition. There is no ‘lucky’ or ‘better way’ for a child to die. I hope you find your peace soon.
A sisterhood no one asks for
Stayed up way past my bedtime, but the ribbons for tomorrow turned out amazing. I’ll wear it tomorrow and get a lot of questions, but just like every year I’ll also get a few silent nods as tears well up in a stranger’s eyes. In that moment, we will no longer be strangers. Instead we will be family. Bonded by grief and compassion. Sisters and Brothers, pillars of strength to lean on.
My Journey Pendant
The Country Acre is selling My Journey Pendants for a limited time. Mine is the 2 white beads with the rainbow bead at the bottom (2 angels and 1 rainbow).
My Journey Pendant -$20 (plus shipping)
Limited number available!
*****$8 from each pendant sold will provide 4 NICU moms with starter journey bracelets sponsored byProject Sweet Peas – Greater Lafayette Division “Avi’s Embrace” *****
$20 each
– up to 4 beads
– $2 each additional bead
Honors
– Sunshines
– Angels
– Rainbows
**Triggers** Rainbow Birth Story
I know I have posted this before, but I have many new followers now. I want to post about our Rainbow Birth Story that was featured on Pregnancy After Loss Support. It talks about my fears and the guilt that comes with a Rainbow.
The journey to a rainbow is a scary one. My son wouldn’t be here if not for my daughters and I thank them everyday for him. Embrace the life growing inside of you. Embrace pregnancy again. Love your body for carrying this rainbow. You can’t choose your ending, but you can sure fill the middle with love.
The Article can be viewed here:
http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/rainbow-birth-story/
Well under Pressure
A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
That isn’t Henry Kissinger’s exact quote, but I like the alterations a little better. (See below for exact wording). I’ve felt under pressure for a long time.
Pressure to:
- Get over my losses
- ‘Be my old self’
- ‘Make something’ of my girls’ lives
- Make up for the lost time with my girls’ with my rainbow
- Be the very best mother because of my losses
- Help others
- Keep my feelings in
- Get my feelings out
- Get over it
- Cry more
Really, you think of anything, and someone will tell me the opposite. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but every one has their theories (myself included) on who it should be. Heck, there are books written about the grief process. Unless you have had something to grieve, I don’t think any amount of schooling, PhDs, or classes can prepare you. Even then, every person has their way of grieving that is healthy for them, what works for them.
For some, it IS keeping it in ‘moving on,’ and that’s ok, just don’t tell others to do it. For others, it is sobbing nightly for years, and that’s ok. Do what you need to do, but don’t judge if others’ tears have stopped flowing.
If you think you might hurt yourself, get help. It’s ok to ask or help. You child/ren don’t want to see you hurt yourself. No matter how brief, or how long ago their lives were, they love you. I wish I would have asked for more help. I did want to hurt myself, but I didn’t. I couldn’t do it, but blogging helped me see that sometimes we get so far into our grief that if feels like there is no other way out.
If you honestly feel like there is no other way out, please contact someone. Anyone.
“A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure.”
20 things that babyloss moms do that feel crazy but aren’t
An excellent Article written by Kristi Bothur. It speaks volumes to our every day lives as Baby loss moms
http://thissideofheaven.weebly.com/home/20-things-that-babyloss-moms-do-that-feel-crazy-but-arent
Edit: I was asked by the author to take down the article in its whole and Instead direct you to the above link.
Capture your Grief – Day 3 : Before
Day 3: Before
Before, I was ‘that’ girl. I didn’t know the dice were loaded against me. I took chances, because after all, how often does (insert bad thing) happen? I was free from fear and my mind. I was young and had plenty of time to live my life. Before, I didn’t look at the statistics and run it against probability. I just did it. I’m not saying I don’t take chances now, I am just more aware of what can go wrong. I don’t think, “Ehh, that won’t happen to me.” After all, not only am I 1 in 4 (Pregnancy and Infant Loss), I am 1 in 8 (infertility), I am 1 in 200 (suffered from PUPPPS), and probably more that I haven’t researched yet. #Captureyourgrief
Sisters in Loss – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Today, I am reminded of how important it is to connect with other families who have experienced the loss of a child or children. This month is a crazy month for me. Not only is it Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, it coincides with a lot of triggers for me.
*Triggers*
I began to get caught up in the month and all it was about. I forgot to give time for myself and to grieve.
Oct. 1 – Start of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Oct. 4 – I mail out an infant memory box for a special little angel
Oct 7 – KWCE Candle light Vigil (I volunteer at)
Oct 11 – Project Sweet Peas’ Avi’s Embrace Volunteer Day (We make NICU and Memory care package items)
Oct 12 – Dex’s Dedication
Oct 15 – Wave of light
Oct 18 – Project Sweet Peas’ Pregnancy and Infant Loss Vigil (I help plan, set up, tear down, and volunteer)
Oct 23 – My water broke with the twins
That is just what is on the agenda for now. This doesn’t include all the items I need to make for the events on my personal time. I have just been flustered and thrown back a bit, and I guess it has shown through on Facebook a little bit.
How do I know this?
Well, many of you fine parents have found me on facebook, sent me a PM asking to friend me, and I have accepted. One such mom, PMed me today.
u ok?? Is it because wave of light is getting closer? I seem to get more emotional about the twins at this time of year. xxxx
It made my heart soar to read this. The genuine concern noticed by a fellow BLM, that no one else picked up on. It hows just how important these relationships we begin to build from the ashes are. Reach out, be a friend, connect. Find me. Maybe one day I will notice it when you need someone too.
Guilt
I feel guilty for not posting as much on this blog anymore. Which, in a way, is a good thing too. I finally feel like I can see the top of the mountain, and for once, I don’t feel like Sisyphus.
For those unfamiliar with Sisyphus, he was a man in Greek Mythology who was condemned to continually roll a huge boulder up a mountain, only to watch it roll back down and start over again.
That’s how I felt after Willow & Hazel died, like every time I would start to see the light at the top, the boulder would roll right over the top of me and back down the mountain. I would cry, sulk back down, and try again.
The point was, I got back up and tried. I kept trying. I keep trying everyday.
I don’t feel like Sisyphus. Grief consumed me for so long, it was hard to see the joy in my life. The girls wouldn’t want to see me like that. If it were me that died, I wouldn’t want them to be that way.
Death isn’t the end, it’s just a bump in the road. Sometimes it feels like the end, oh boy does it, but it isn’t. Not for my family anyway. I WILL see them again, and that helps.
There is hope, and there is life after the death of a child. It’s not the same life you had, but it’s the life you must live. You will never get over it, you will never move past it, but you will be able to live again if you just give it time and try. I promise.
Mother of Twin Angels 