“Suffering Olympics”

I’ve been reading When Empty Arms Become A Heavy Burden By Sandra Glahn & William Cutrer, MD. It was a gift from a very special friend. At first I can honestly say I didn’t want to read the book. I KNEW I was infertile, and I KNEW I lost my children. How could this book help me? But it has, it tremendous ways. There are even several chapters that don’t actually fit my circumstance, but they too have helped me in other aspects of my life. I’ve had questions that I never had the courage or resources to ask, that were answered for me. But enough about that, on to my point…

There is a chapter in the book about the “Suffering Olympics” that infertility couples seems to go through. Where everyone tries to make you feel better by “one up-ing” you with their experience(s). I have been taking a lot of the book for its infertility help, but also applying it to the loss of Willow & Hazel. Luckily, I have only had one instance of “One upping” with the loss of my girls. An instance of, ‘I’m sorry what happened to your girls, but this happened to me. See it could have been worse. I was devastated by what happened to me. You were lucky with how you lost your girls.’ Those were not exact words, but it was approached that way.

I was so mad and angry at this person. No part of what happened to James and I was lucky. We both lost our children. Don’t you see that, this is not a competition to see who has suffered more. We have both suffered enough. Neither instance should have EVER happened. I hope you can see that (well theoretically I say this, they do not read my blog).

I’m sorry you feel you must make this a competition. There is no ‘lucky’ or ‘better way’ for a child to die. I hope you find your peace soon.

20 things that babyloss moms do that feel crazy but aren’t

An excellent Article written by Kristi Bothur. It speaks volumes to our every day lives as Baby loss moms
http://thissideofheaven.weebly.com/home/20-things-that-babyloss-moms-do-that-feel-crazy-but-arent

Edit: I was asked by the author to take down the article in its whole and Instead direct you to the above link.

Capture your Grief – Day 6: Books

Day 6: Books ‪

I have always loved books. I would get lost in their words and let myself fall into their story. What I didn’t know, was that one day I would need them. I would need to read their words to survive. I would consume them one after another, praying for answers, and ultimately being saved.

I began searching with all of my might, the internet, scripture, book after book, everything, trying to find answers to questions I didn’t even know to ask let alone if they existed.

I began taking notes, feverishly writing down page numbers, marking pages, flipping from book to boom. Reading and rereading over and over again. I found myself submerged in the writings of those who had survived. My books became precious to me. Some I were given as gifts, some I bought on my own.

Words written by others somehow flowed out of my heart and onto the pages. Somehow, someone else, knew my troubles. ‪#‎Captureyourgrief‬

Somber News

Usually at our group meetings at work, I just have to prepare myself for the announcements of pregnancies and births, but I wasn’t prepared for this morning. Co-Workers tried to get a hold of me before the meeting, but I was in and out. 

A co-worker’s 20 year old son (a twin) died Friday suddenly. As of now, there are no details. He just died during drills on a military base. My heart sunk, and then I just started crying during the meeting. I felt like an idiot. People approached me after asking me if I knew him. Nope. Then, just stares. I’m not close to the family, or even friends with that co-worker, but his son died. I know what the mother is going through. No parent should ever have to bury a child, no matter the child’s age. Be it unborn, hours, 1 day, 20 years, or 60 years. It just shouldn’t happen. 

Children should bury their parents, NEVER should a parent have to bury a child. We should watch them grow old and criticize them for their choices and love them unconditionally. We shouldn’t have to pick out the outfit they will be buried or cremated in. We shouldn’t have to chose what color coffin or granite for their stone. NEVER.

One day I pray this will be the future. 

What’s in a name?

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet;”

Romeo and Juliet Act II Scene II Lines: 47-48

William Shakespeare

**Triggers/Ments**

Something have bugged me since, well, the day I started showing pictures of Dexter to the world. One simple word. One word is all it takes to make me mad. A word I am sure I have used at one time BEFORE when talking about a particular child. I’m sure you are wondering, “What one word could send her into such a tizzy?”

Please don’t call my child an angel. 

I know you mean well when you say things like:

• He’s so precious, such an angel!
• What an adorable little angel
• Sweet angel

Well, you get the point here. Why do I get so worked up over one simple word? I already have two angels, I don’t care to have another one. Yes, I know this is not what you mean. I’m not ignorant. But, that doesn’t make it hurt any less. He’s not an angel. He’s my LIVING son, and I am going to do everything in my power to keep it that way.

Dreams and Reality

***Triggers/Ments***

Sometimes, right before sleep, I like to let myself get right on the brink of dreams and reality. That place where you have one foot in the conscience reality of today and one foot in the dreamscape. It is here where I let my mind live in a place where my dad is teasing Dexter making him mad, while I hear two giggling girls running down the hallway. It’s these semi-conscience perfect realities that make me not want to come back, but I always do. Because this reality could never exist, not in any parallel universe or alternate realty. Why? Because if Willow and Hazel are alive, Dexter cannot exist and for Dexter to exist, Willow and Hazel have to die. To want one is to deny the other and as a mother how can you choose? I can’t.

This is the same notion I choose to believe God plays. He doesn’t choose who lives or dies. Yes, He has ultimate control, but we are all His children. How could He possibly choose or place one life above another? Simple. He doesn’t. He let’s life and death play out with very minimal intervention. Sorry for the deep thoughts/rant. It has been a very emotional couple of days and sleep deprivation is making me slightly hallucinate at night right before I fall asleep.

Things are getting better

Things seem to be calming down in my grief, but have been replaced by some whole new feelings that I talk about in my ***trigger*** rainbow blog. I can finally sit and think about the girls, their details, their personalities, everything really for a good while without crying. Don’t get me wrong, there are still major grief triggers that cause me to bawl my eyes out and choke, but as long as I am not caught off guard, I can have happy moments in my memories with the girls. I can think of Willow and Hazel and have a beaming smile. I have waited a long time for this. I really thought that day would never come. It only took almost 15 months.

15 months. Wow. I can’t believe it has been that long since the girls came into my life and left so quickly. I just know they are watching from somewhere else, giggling and playing.

“My love will find you wherever you are..”

Lighting Candles

One thing I love to do to honor and remember my girls is to light a candle for them. Something about it, maybe the warm, or the way the fire looks ‘alive’ helps.

Anyway, I recently came across some unique candles. You burn them, then inside you find a little package that has a diamond ring inside. They range in value worth from $10 – $5,000 for the ring, but the candles only cost $24.95.

I am going to buy one. That way, when I get to the package, it’s like a little gift from the girls 🙂

http://my.cndl.es/x/jvExUS By using that link, you can get 20% off an order if you want one too.

xoxo

Bittersweet Reminders

Lately I’ve had so many bittersweet reminders of what I am missing out on with Willow & Hazel.

Smiles, coos, kicks, fits, purple crying, dirty diapers, farts, everything.

I know I am lucky. Not everyone gets what I have, but that doesn’t mean it makes it any better. It doesn’t bring them back. I still miss my daughters like hell. My heart aches. I can see parts of them everyday, but not all of them….

Another perfect baby gone too soon

Recently very close friends of mine lost their perfect daughter, Gia. 10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes. Gone at 21 weeks. I have been crying for them for days. I hate that they know the pain many of us reading this post know. It’s unfair. I don’t want them to understand how we feel. They are an amazing and strong couple. They were there for me like no other when my girls died. They came to the funerals, called me, cried with me.

Why? Why them? I just pray that they are blessed with a rainbow. No, it won’t take the pain away and it won’t make things better, The rainbow won’t replace baby Gia, but this rainbow will make her a big sister.